


stay in the lines, dandelion

by lxvenxtes



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Coming of Age, Depression, Drug Abuse, Love at First Sight, M/M, Oblivious Chwe Hansol | Vernon, Past Drug Use, Recovery, Sharing Clothes, Sharing a Bed, Suicide Attempt, Summer, i promise this isnt as bad as it sounds/as unhappy, idk what else to tag, it's just mentioned/talked about and nothing is explicit, now for trigger warnings just so people know what they're getting into, suicide ideation, the verkwan is uhhhh.. yeah!, this is very Tender... the verhao is Intimate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:28:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25277725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lxvenxtes/pseuds/lxvenxtes
Summary: After the worst three years of his life, Hansol is at the end of his rope. There's too much pressure- from school, from his friends, from himself. He gives himself until the end of the summer before he ends things once and for all, complete with a bucket list of things to do before it's over.He thinks that should be the end of it, until he meets Minghao, who shows him things may not be as bleak as they seem.
Relationships: Chwe Hansol | Vernon/Xu Ming Hao | The8, Past Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon
Comments: 28
Kudos: 81





	stay in the lines, dandelion

**Author's Note:**

> hiii! i promise this story is not as dark as the tags make it seem. it's first and foremost a story about recovery! but that being said there is talk of a suicide attempt/sucidial thoughts and mentions of past drug use so if you think those topics will upset you do what is best for you, even if that means not reading it!
> 
> this story is my baby and as someone who deals with mental illness it was very cathartic to write. i hope you enjoy it as much as i do!
> 
> also shoutout to my angels jas n ry for letting me talk ur ears off about this lol
> 
> also also title from same drugs by chance the rapper which was the inspo for this story

The trees flew by in a blur, vibrant greens and muted browns mingling into streaks that were nothing more than washes of color through the windows. The transition from spring to summer was making everything more vibrant and lively, but you couldn’t tell as it all rapidly passed by. Everything was zipping by entirely too fast, blending together into shapeless smears of color. Trees, telephone poles with missing posters, abandoned graffiti adorned billboards. Blink and you'd miss 'em.

Hansol wanted to blend in with his surroundings, wanted to disappear like the billboard announcing free movies at a theater that was closed down two years ago, but had no such luck. 

He was a failure. Of course, he already knew this- the past year had certainly proved this- but the universe sure loved to remind him how much of a total fuck up he was, on the off chance that he forgot.

His inability to do even the simplest things right was drilling itself into his head as he sat in an uncomfortable silence with his father, in their rickety old car, the world zooming by around them. They were driving back to their house with only the sound of a trapped penny rattling around inside of the shitty air conditioner and Hansol's conglomerate of things from his dorm to keep them company. The radio had stopped working when Hansol was in his junior year of high school, and his father kept saying he would get it fixed but still hadn’t almost four years later.

He was basically left alone with his thoughts, unless he wanted to drive himself insane by listening to the penny.

Realistically, he knew it wasn't a big deal. His dad was probably just a little disappointed in his lack of social skills. He didn't seem mad. He was relaxed, even if he was distracted by the empty road ahead of them. No clenched fists around the steering wheel or tensed jaw. He was probably thinking about where to stop for lunch.

But Hansol couldn't get the look he gave him when he didn't want to say goodbye to Seokmin, his roommate, out of his head. The sad way his eyes shone and the forced nod he gave, his lips pressing together into a straight line. Hansol’s chest had immediately got tight, his lungs shrinking like grapes in the sun. The pressure still hadn’t loosened even though there was half an hour’s worth of distance between them and the school. He didn’t know how to tell his father that he didn’t know how to say goodbye when they hadn’t said more than five words to each other since December.

He rested his head on the window, the cool glass doing little to help soothe him. The trees continued to fly by.

His father glanced over, a small frown taking over his face. “You okay?” he asked, concern coloring his tone. Hansol nodded, forcing himself to send him a closed mouth smile.

“Okay, good,” he reached over the console and squeezed Hansol’s knee, “What do you want for lunch?”

-

Hansol was beginning to hate summer, which sucked because it was only the very beginning of June and usually his favorite time of the year. It was mostly his fault, like most of the problems he dealt with as of late. Instead of doing the things he did last summer, skateboarding, eating ice cream, visiting the beach or museums, he laid in bed all day either staring at his phone or the ceiling.

It was just him and his room that hadn’t changed since junior year of high school. His comforter with it’s solar system pattern, the posters for bands he didn’t listen to anymore, books he’d long since forgotten about. It was a time capsule for what felt like the last time he was actually happy. It was suffocating. But he couldn’t make himself leave.

It would have made sense to get out of the house to get rid of the constant claustrophobic feeling he was pushing against but he couldn't make himself move. He kept thinking of plans to make, things he could do, but had no motivation to do anything. He could see the finish line but he was just sitting in the middle of the track waiting for it to come to him. It was incredibly frustrating.

He didn’t want to be stuck in this loop of nothingness forever. He couldn’t handle it. So, he created a plan. Well, more like a list. It was simple enough. Just six tasks. Easy things that he could complete before the summer ended.

He wrote it at three am, after a long night of not sleeping and thinking about how unprepared he was for the future. If he couldn’t even tackle the summer, how was he supposed to deal with going back to school? Or the rest of the year?

The list was written on an old piece of lined paper he found in a notebook he hadn't touched in six months. In his half awake chicken scratch he’d written: 

_Things To Do Before I Kill Myself:  
\- Tie Dye Something  
\- Watch All of Mamma Mia  
\- See a Van Gogh IRL  
\- Kiss A Boy  
\- Go To A Party  
\- Go To The Beach_

They were simple and mostly cliche things, plot points in an indie romcom, but he didn’t know what else he could do. He didn’t have any plans to travel and he had no one to do anything with. He was content with his shitty little list. 

He knew that killing himself may have seemed rash, but he couldn’t think of any other options. He couldn’t go back to school in the fall. He couldn’t. It would destroy him even more than it already had. Maybe he’d figure something else, but for the time being, that was his plan.

-  
It had been three days since he created his list, and many, many months of him ignoring Seungkwan’s texts, when his best friend barged into his bedroom at nine p.m. He had literally kicked the door in.

Hansol, who was buried under his comforter watching an ASMR cooking video, dropped his phone and gaped at him. His heart was pounding from the shock. They both stared at each other for a minute and the only sound filling the room was the crunch of sugar being mixed into eggs coming from Hansol's phone speaker.

Seungkwan looked different, he realized. His hair was a lighter shade of brown and his face was slimmer. He was wearing a shirt Hansol had never seen him in before. It was weird. He was looking at his best friend, but he wasn’t.

As he reached out to pause the video, Seungkwan took three steps to stand in front of his bed just before he pounced.

He landed on top of the lower half of Hansol's legs, making him groan. He muttered an apology before shoving the comforter to the ground. Then he pinned down Hansol's squirming body, straddling him and grabbing his wrists and slamming them down onto the bed.

Hansol swallowed hard when he remembered the last time they were in this position. Three summers ago, when they were still in high school and the world hadn't beaten him down yet.

He isn't entirely sure of what led up to it- they were just passed tipsy and the memories are fuzzy- but they ended up kissing. It was messy, too much tongue and clumsy hands all over each other. They were dialed to a hundred, but then Hansol pulled away and they stopped. Everything stopped.

Seungkwan made eye contact with him and his heart clenched because he knew they were thinking of the same thing. Seungkwan glanced down at his lips. The summer heat was flooding the room. He had to stop this before something happened. 

"Uh, what are you doing here?" he croaked, struggling to get his arms out of Seungkwan's hold. When did he get so strong?

Something flickered on Seungkwan’s face before it shifted into a glare. He let go one of Hansol's arms to flick him on the forehead. The moment was over.

"Why didn't you tell me you were home?" he yelled, ignoring Hansol's groan of pain. "I had to find out from a Facebook post from Sofia! It's been almost a month you asshole!"

"I didn't tell anyone! Stop screaming!" Hansol responded and he received another flick on the forehead.

Seungkwan spat “You’re an asshole for that too! We’ve all missed you and you just weren’t going to say anything?” and he shrugged. He didn't even know who the “we” was in this situation. He hadn’t really talked to anyone from high school since graduation.

With a huff Seungkwan climbed off of him. He picked up Hansol’s comforter from the ground and threw it at his head. “You’re coming to this party with me tonight to make up for being shitty,” he demanded.

Hansol was about to let out a groan in protest because he didn’t have the energy to go to a party when he remembered his list. It was sitting on his desk, lit up by the sun streaming in from his window like a prize in a video game. If he went to this party, he could cross one thing off.

“Okay, I’ll go,” he said, ignoring Seungkwan muttering, “Of course you’re going. I just said that.” He got up and walked over to his desk, grabbing a pen. His stomach clenched as he crossed out “Go to a party”. He was sealing his fate.

“What’s that?” Seungkwan asked, beginning to walk towards him. He quickly folded the list and shoved it in his back pocket. He didn’t need Seungkwan seeing it and trying to talk him out of his plan.

“Just a list of stuff I wanna do over the summer.” It wasn’t a complete lie.

Seungkwan nodded. “We can do it together then! Now get ready, we’re already late.” 

-  
"We're going to a party tonight," Seungkwan announced as they stepped into the living room. Hansol’s mother and Sofia were sitting on the couch. His mom was reading a book as Sofia watched something on her phone. 

Hansol’s mother looked up from her book with a raised eyebrow. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Even though she was looking at Hansol, Seungkwan was the one to respond. He cheerfully exclaimed, "You have nothing to worry about! I'll have him home before midnight!" Hansol thought back to high school when they’d have this exact conversation and then he’d go to a party and get crossfaded. 

When his mother didn’t do anything besides sending Seungkwan a curt nod, Hansol turned to him and said, "I'm gonna go get something from my room. I'll meet you downstairs."

Seungkwan sent him a thumbs up before walking out of the house. 

Hansol’s mother waited until the door was closed before she turned back to face him, closing her book. "Sweetheart, I don't want to tell you what to do because you're an adult and I'm incredibly happy you're actually leaving the house, but I don't think you should go to a party. Not when you're just getting over what happened."

He sighed, feeling the pressure in his chest return. "I don't even want to go. But Seungkwan is making me. He wants to catch up or something." It felt like he was sixteen again, lying about studying so they could sneak beers out of Seungkwan’s dad’s liquor cabinet. It sucked because he wasn’t even lying.

Looking slightly outraged she said, "Well, why would he force you to go after what happened?" When Hansol didn’t reply, standing in guilty silence, she paused, realization making her face fall. Hansol's heart skipped a beat for a second as he watched the disappointment set in. "Hansol, does he not know?"

He didn't know how to explain that he hadn't seriously, or honestly, spoken to Seungkwan for about a year. Their only communication was through one sided text conversations. So, he shrugged. "No one knows except for us, and, like, Seokmin and, you know, my teachers and stuff. It's not everyone's business."

"Hansol…"

He hated the way she sounded so incredibly sad. He needed to leave before he got too angry at himself for upsetting her and lost all motivation to actually see people. "I gotta go before he comes back in and starts yelling at me." He walked over to the couch and pressed a kiss to her cheek. She sighed and nodded, her eyes shining with worry. "I'm not going to take anything or do anything stupid. I promise. I love you and I'll see you whenever he gets bored, I guess."

He turned to walk to the door and she grabbed his hand to stop him. He turned back to face her, an eyebrow raised in question, and she pulled him into a hug, nearly pulling him on top of her. He melted into it, rubbing her back. She smelled the same as she always did, like cinnamon and her Victoria’s Secret perfume. He was hit with a wave of nostalgia and he let go before he forced himself to stay home where everything was comfortable and didn’t change.

He said another round of promises and a goodbye as he walked out the door.

Seungkwan was waiting for him on the porch, and he grinned when Hansol closed the door behind him. He looked ecstatic to be going to this party and Hansol was definitely not feeling the same. 

-

"Oh my god, is that Hansol?" someone said as soon as they walked into the living room. Their voice was familiar, but not enough that he could place who it belonged to, akin to when you met a relative who swore they used to change your diapers but you only vaguely recognized their eyes.

Seungkwan grabbed his wrist and pulled him directly into the crowd. Tons of eyes crawled all over his body like spiders running up a wall, along with him brushing against a mass of bodies. It was similar to being trapped in an elevator that was taking forever to get to the top floor. He hated it.

Thankfully they got out of the crowd quickly enough. They ended up in the dining room where a group of people he half remembered were standing in front of the table. The table had at least ten different kinds of liquor on it and a knot formed in his throat.

"Boo!" someone he actually did recognize shouted, grinning. Chan looked different and exactly the same at the same time. Hansol remembered him from high school, back when he was part of the three musketeers trio with Hansol and Seungkwan and he still went by "Dino". He was little and had a shitty haircut, like everyone else. He definitely filled out in the past two years and his hair was longer, just barely falling into his glasses covered eyes.

He blinked in surprise when he saw Hansol standing beside Seungkwan.

"Hansol! Hey, I almost didn't recognize you," he said, smiling. His teeth were still as pretty as they used to be. Everyone else seemed to realize he was there the second his name left Chan's lips, and his mouth went dry as everyone stared at him.

"Hey guys," he choked out over the lump in his throat, his voice small in the crowded room. There was a beat of silence before Soonyoung, a guy he vaguely remembered from around the neighborhood whooped.

"Hansol!" he shouted, marching forward and throwing himself at him for a hug. Hansol forced out a laugh and stiffly patted him on the back. His over-sized t-shirt was sticking to his back due to sweat and Hansol couldn't hold back a grimace. 

Before he could force himself to come up with a greeting or some kind of small talk, Soonyoung turned away from him and grabbed Seungkwan’s face, pulling him into a kiss. When the hell had that happened?

“Stop being gross, you’ll scare Hansol away,” someone else said. Their voice was deep and he immediately recognized it. He looked for the source and saw Wonwoo, who lived two streets over from him. He smiled when they made eye contact and walked over to give Hansol a one armed hug. 

"Aren't you hot with that hat on?" he asked, before reaching it over and yanking it off of his head before Hansol could even form a response. Everyone stared at his head for a moment, all looking various degrees of surprised.

"Hansol, where the hell is your hair?" Chan asked, gaping at him. The room felt even tighter than it already had with everyone looking at him like he had an extra head. He was beginning to feel claustrophobic.

He nervously ran his hand over the short tufts of hair, smoothing it down. "Uh, I cut it. A few months ago."

He had done it at three in the morning on the same day he failed his History of European Renaissance test. He had been lying in bed, the room empty because Seokmin was at a party, so it was just him and his thoughts.

He had spent what had to be at least twenty-five minutes thinking about how much of his identity was attached to his appearance and how much he hated it. In high school, he was known as a pretty boy. He was pretty and everyone liked him and his hair that he had dyed blonde in his senior year. People liked when he smiled and when he showed his arms and when he wore t-shirts that clung to his body. Now that high school was over he realized that none of that actually mattered. No one cared how pretty he was. It meant nothing. An entire aspect of his personality, that he believed in for four whole years, meant nothing. Did that mean he meant nothing?

With a fervor he hadn’t felt in months running through his veins, he sat up in the dark he'd been lying in for god knows how long because he'd been too lazy to turn on the lights when the sun started to set. He used the flashlight on his phone to find his bright blue scissors that he told his mother he wouldn't ever use and marched to the bathroom.

There was no one else in there because it was god knows what time in the morning. The motion sensor lights came to life as he walked to the sinks and when he got in front of the mirrors he just stopped and stared at himself.

Objectively speaking, he knew he was pretty. He had long eyelashes and high cheekbones. His skin was clear. He'd been told his eyes seemed to sparkle. But as he stared at his reflection he didn't see any of that. It was as if he was looking at a total stranger. His eyes were lifeless and had bags under them. His skin looked almost sickly under the fluorescent lights. His roots were growing in, brown pushing away the blonde and he got irrationally angry looking at them. They were just another reminder that he couldn’t be perfect like everyone wanted.

He grabbed the scissors with a shaking hand and a piece of hair near the front of his head. As soon as the blades cut through the strands, a bit of the weight on his shoulders seemed to lessen. So he kept cutting, until he was left with a messy crop of short brown hair and the sink was full of blonde bits that resembled hay. He couldn’t explain how light he felt, even though he looked kind of ridiculous.

Then he cleaned up his mess, picking up as much hair as he possibly could and went back to his room where he promptly went to sleep as the sun began to come up. He threw away all of his shirts that weren’t baggy and started wearing beanies to cover his horrible haircut.

He was brought back to reality by someone standing next to him. How long had he been standing there staring at nothing?

"Uh, It's different. But not bad different. You look older," Seungkwan gushed. He ran his fingers through Hansol's hair, trying his best not to look weirded out. He was failing. Hansol gently pushed his hand away.

-

They’d been there for an hour and no one had tried to strike up conversation with him since they’d seen his hair. He wasn’t sure if he was happy about it or not. It was as if he was there and not there at the same time. A ghost at this stupid party. 

Seungkwan was still next to him but he only had eyes for Soonyoung, who was telling Chan some kind of story across the room. He felt like he should've been more upset than he was about their relationship, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

Out of nowhere, he heard a laugh he'd definitely never heard before. It was more of a giggle than anything else and it was adorable. Hansol scanned the room looking for someone he didn't recognize and lost all of the air in his lungs when he did.

Across the room, in front of the liquor table, there was a guy he didn't know talking to Wonwoo. A gorgeous guy. He was tall and lean with tanned skin that looked like amber being reflected by the sun. He looked kind of witchy if Hansol was being honest. He was wearing a black sheer shirt and black pants that Hansol’s mom would probably call slacks. He had rings on every one of his fingers and piercings lined the ear Hansol could see. The only way Hansol could properly describe him was elegant looking, like a willow tree. He laughed again at something Wonwoo said and his smile made Hansol have the urge to smile too. He should’ve looked out of place with his lack of color but Hansol couldn’t even tell because of how much his smile lit up the room. Oh God, he was so pretty.

"Who's the, uh, witchy dude?" Hansol asked, gesturing to the mystery man with his chin and tapping Seungkwan on his arm to get his attention.

Seungkwan followed his gaze, very obviously turning his head and staring. Witchy Dude glanced in their direction, offering a closed mouth smile that bordered on confused, before reverting his gaze back to Wonwoo. He was twisting one of his many rings around his pointer finger as they spoke and Hansol couldn't look away from his hands, even though he was starting to feel a bit creepy. His fingers were long and delicate, like candlesticks.

"Oh, that's Minghao. He's Soonyoung's friend. He's, like, an artist, I think. Or a model. Or both. I don't know." He shrugged before bringing his cup to his lips. Whatever he was drinking was a concerning purple color and was definitely affecting his brain to mouth filter.

"Hmm. Okay." Hansol didn’t know what else to say that wasn’t “Why is he the prettiest person in the entire world?” 

Seungkwan wasn’t done talking about him apparently. "To be completely honest, he gives me the creeps. Don't tell Soonyoung I said that. But he looks at people like he can see through them, even though he has Bambi eyes, and he dresses all goth. It makes me nervous. And who has a mullet on purpose?"

Hansol liked the mullet, but he would gladly keep that information to himself.

-

Hansol had to pee more than he ever had in his entire life and he couldn’t find the bathroom. He was going to die. He knew he shouldn’t have drank two and a half water bottles but he didn’t want anyone offering him alcohol and people left you alone when you already had a drink. So that was the plan he went with. Now he was severely regretting it.

As he walked down a hallway, he ran into someone, almost knocking them to the ground. Panicking, he reached out and grabbed their arm so they didn’t fall, his fingers gripping the scratchy sort of fabric of their shirt. Looking over to see who it was, he froze. It was Minghao in all of his witchy beauty. 

The thing Seungkwan said about his eyes was true. The Bambi thing, yeah, but the second they locked stares, a shiver overtook Hansol's body. It was what he imagined looking into the center of a volcano or a whirlpool would be like, the plum colored eye shadow Minghao had lining his eyes making them even more hypnotizing. He felt like he could drown in them.

"Hey, can I have my arm back?" Minghao asked, smiling. His smile was crooked, showing more of the right side of the bottom row of his teeth than the left. It was super cute.

"Sorry," Hansol said, letting go of him. God, this was so embarrassing. He was a disaster.

Minghao was still smiling at him, looking amused. "It's cool. What's your name?"

He cleared his throat. "Hansol." He shouldn't have been so nervous to say his own name but pretty people always turned his brain into mush.

"Hansol," Minghao repeated, like he was testing how it sounded coming off of his tongue. Hansol wanted him to say it over and over. "I like that. I'm Minghao." His voice was nice, warm and gentle sounding.

"Minghao. I like that," he mimicked and Minghao's Bambi eyes lit as he scrunched his nose in amusement. Hansol’s heart skipped a beat. How was it possible that someone was pretty as he was?

Someone swore at them as they pushed past and Hansol was brought back to reality as he almost fell. They were standing in the middle of a hallway in a party where he didn’t know anyone, but he didn’t care at the moment. He’d never had a room completely disappear when he talked to someone before. It was exciting.

Minghao rolled his eyes at the person before looking at him again. His stomach clenched when they made eye contact. "Before we finish this conversation, I need to know your zodiac sign. It's very important to me."

He blinked in surprise, not expecting anything like that to come out of his mouth. "Oh, I have no idea. I'm not really into astrology."

Minghao nodded, looking unfazed. "When's your birthday?"

"February 18th."

He looked deep in thought for a moment, lips pursed before he said, "Oh, you're an Aquarius." He looked disgusted, and Hansol felt like he should apologize, even though he had no idea what the fuck he was talking about.

He frowned and Minghao looked amused again, eyes sparkling. "What's wrong with that?"

"I'll tell you, if you excuse me for a second. I'm going to steal some cake."

"Cake?" Where would he be getting cake from?

"Yeah, this is a birthday party for… someone. I have no idea who but I saw the cake in the kitchen earlier. I want a piece, so I’m gonna take one."

Hansol nodded. That seemed like a good idea. But then the lull in conversation reminded him of the reason he was in the hallway in the first place. Pushing down the embarrassment that was threatening to make him blush, he asked, “Do you know where the bathroom is? Then maybe I can join you?”

-

They were sitting on the back porch of whoever’s house they were at with a giant piece of cake between them. Hansol had warned him that the piece was too big and maybe it would be rude to take it, but Minghao had said they had to go big or go home. 

"A beanie in the middle of summer is a pretty risky fashion statement," Minghao said, poking his fork into a corner of the cake. A firefly was flying near his ear, casting a faint yellow glow on his cheek. He didn’t seem to notice it. 

Hansol watched with rapt attention as he brought the fork to his pretty, plush lips. "You have a sheer shirt on," he pointed out, digging his own fork into the cake. It was incredibly sweet, like all birthday cakes are, and it shocked his taste buds. It was a good kind of sweet though, like honey.

Minghao laughed, and Hansol smiled along with him, even though there was no reason to. He couldn’t help himself. "This is normal for me. The way your friends reacted to your hat tells me that the beanie is outta pocket for you." Another forkful of cake went into his mouth, leaving vanilla frosting on his bottom lip.

Blinking hard as he averted his eyes, Hansol responded, "My hair used to be longer. It was kind of, like, my thing."

Minghao looked curious, but he simply smirked in response and said, "Ooh, I bet you got all the girls." 

Hansol could tell when he was being flirted with. "A few, yeah." He was about to add that he’d gotten a few boys too, just so it was clear that he wasn’t straight but then someone opened the back door, stealing his attention.

It was Seungkwan, looking very grumpy. He was holding what appeared to be a drunk Soonyoung against his side. "Hansol, we're leaving. Soonyoungie needs to get home," he said as an explanation.

Hansol realized they probably looked like some kind of sideshow attraction, Minghao in his all black and Hansol in his lime green t-shirt and purple beanie, the two of them pecking at a piece of cake like birds.

"Bye. It was nice to eat this piece of cake with you, even if you are an Aquarius," Minghao said as he got up from the step he was sitting on.

"Uh, you too," he replied, a small smile adorning his face. He never did explain why he hated Aquarians.

-

Hansol wasn’t expecting to see or hear from Minghao after that night. He was expecting their night to be a memory he thought about for the rest of the summer and nothing else. The universe had other plans.

He was in his father’s car waiting for Sofia to get out of the convenience store when someone knocked on the window, scaring the shit out of him. He jumped so hard he hit his head on the roof of the car.

Looking over, he saw Minghao biting his lip to stop his laughter. Hansol smiled at him even though he was definitely pink in the face from embarrassment.

Rolling down the car window, he said, “Hi, uh, why’d you just scare me?”. He figured keeping it casual was his best bet, instead of saying that he’d actually been thinking about him for like a week.

“That was an accident. I just wanted to say hi cause I saw you in the car. What are you up to?” Minghao was holding his bike beside him and there was a bag full of snacks hanging off the handlebars. He was dressed more casually than when Hansol saw him last, only in a t-shirt and jeans, both black and his face was bare. But he still managed to take Hansol’s breath away.

“Waiting for my sister to finish buying stuff for a sleepover she’s having tonight,” he explained and Minghao nodded. He glanced at the store, probably curious about what his sister looked like.

“If you don’t have any plans tonight, would you want to come over? You don’t have to but it might be more fun than your sister’s sleepover. No offense to her.” He was nervous, Hansol realized. He was biting his lip and rubbing his thumb around the edge of the rubber handle of his bike.

“I’d like that, yeah. I think I might die if I’m surrounded by a hoard of teen girls all night,” he joked and Minghao giggled, even though it wasn’t really that funny.

He pulled a pen out of his back pocket and reached into the car to grab Hansol’s arm. He scribbled something on his forearm with a smile, before he let go and pocketed the pen again. “My address and phone number. So you know where to go, and so we can, like, keep in touch,” he explained. 

“Cool, thank you. I’ll text you in a few,” he said as Sofia came out of the store holding three very full bags. Minghao nodded, smiling again before climbing onto his bike and riding away.

Sofia climbed into the car and sent him a inquisitive look. “Who was the hot guy and why was he flirting with you?”

“That was Minghao. I met him at that party the other day,” he explained, starting the car again.

With a raised eyebrow and an evil little smirk, she asked, “Do you like him?”

“Maybe. Mind your own business,” he said and she scoffed, rolling her eyes.

He couldn’t keep the smile off of his face for the entire ride home.

-

Minghao’s apartment was nothing like he pictured on the short drive over. He’d imagined something sleek and minimalist, mostly grays and neutral colors. Instead he was met with colors on literally every wall.

All of the walls he could see were painted a different color of the rainbow, and each one had a different abstract painting hung up on it. The only thing dark about the place was the furniture which was all black, including the couch and the armchair that sat in the living room where they stood.

“You okay? I know it’s a lot to take in,” Minghao said with a laugh. Hansol nodded, biting his lip as he tried to find the right words.

“Yeah, I like it a lot. It’s fun. But I was expecting it to look different cause you’re all, like, goth,” he explained as Minghao led him to the couch.

“I still like color even if I mostly wear all black,” Minghao replied, grabbing the remote. He was wearing a Thrasher shirt with the sleeves cut off and Hansol had to stop himself from gawking at his arms. He was mostly successful.

“I can see that,” he teased as Minghao opened Netflix. He earned a playful kick to the ankle.

“What do you want to watch?” Minghao asked, turning to face him. His eyes were that same whirlpool and Hansol’s heart sped up. It was strange how he’d felt numb for months but the second he made eye contact with a guy he barely knew he could feel everything all at once.

“I’m cool with whatever,” he replied. He knew he wouldn’t be able to focus on whatever he put on. Not with Minghao beside him.

“Okay, but you better not complain if you don’t like what I put on.”

-

Half an hour later, they were playing Twenty Questions because Minghao got bored of the movie he put on. Hansol couldn’t even tell you what it was called.

“What question are we at?” Minghao asked. Then he hastily added, “That doesn’t count,” sending Hansol a warning look.

“Uh, thirteen, I think.” The sun was setting, making Minghao glow and he was getting very distracted. “It’s your turn.”

Minghao nodded, before placing his feet in Hansol’s lap, leaning into the arm rest. Hansol rested his hand on his ankle, feeling oddly bold. “How old were you when you had your first kiss?”

He didn’t even have to think about it.“Fourteen. It was Seungkwan and he immediately shoved his tongue into my mouth,” he said, wrinkling his nose. Kissing Seungkwan had been all fourteen year old Hansol dreamt about for two months straight and when it finally happened he hated it. It was ironic really. He hated kissing him the first time it happened and then loved it the second time but now if he kissed him again he wouldn’t feel anything.

Minghao snorted. “Mine was a girl at a party back when I lived in China, and I had to gently break it to her that I was gay immediately after and she stomped on my foot.”

“You’re joking.” He couldn’t imagine having his foot stomped on after being kissed by someone just because he wasn’t attracted to them. ”Uh, what do you study at school?”

He really didn’t want to talk about school but he couldn’t think of anything else. He’d been nothing but thankful that Minghao hadn’t brought up school since they’d met, but he had to admit that he was curious.

“I don’t go to school actually. I dropped out in freshman year because one of my art teachers was aggressively racist and the school didn’t want to do anything about it.” Hansol winced. That was not the answer he was expecting.

“Yikes. I’m sorry,” Minghao waved him off, looking unbothered, “If it’s any consolation, I’m thinking of dropping out too. I don’t like the environment, you know?”

Minghao said something in agreement, but Hansol couldn’t hear him over the sound of his heart pounding in his ears. That was the first time he’d admitted to anyone, himself included, that he wanted to drop out. The same lightness as when he cut his hair took over his body and he felt a smile tugging at his lips as Minghao asked him what his favorite breed of dog was.

-

It was now the middle of June and he had a full fledged friendship with Minghao. He wouldn’t mind being more than that but he didn’t want to push his luck. They were even comfortable enough with each other for Hansol to call Minghao at two in the morning when he couldn’t sleep so they could hang out.

Only they weren’t doing much of anything. They’d been sitting in silence for ten minutes as Hansol nodded in and out of sleep and Minghao played some game on his phone at the end of his bed. The only sound filling the room was Hansol’s ceiling fan pushing air around and Minghao’s phone dinging every few minutes as he beat a level. But it wasn’t awkward. If anything it was the most comfortable Hansol had felt in his room for weeks. He’d been having terrible insomnia as of late, and he couldn’t shake it. He didn’t know why his brain refused to allow him to sleep but he was very unhappy about it.

"Give me your leg," Minghao said, out of nowhere as he put his phone down. Hansol, too tired to argue or question him, pushed his leg out from under his comforter and into his lap. The change in temperature made goosebumps rise on his bare skin.

He looked to the end of the bed with bleary eyes and saw Minghao pull a pen out of his pocket. It was the same pen as when he wrote his address on Hansol’s arm. 

His eyes followed Minghao’s hands until he felt warm fingers and the pressure of the ballpoint on his ankle. The sudden heat against his cold skin traveled up his entire leg, making him shiver.

Minghao didn’t comment on it, just swirled the pen around the circular bone that connected his foot and ankle, making a spiral. Hansol couldn't bring himself to focus on anything other than the way their skin contrasted and the gentle pressure of the pen. Minghao’s hands were delicately holding his ankle and it made his chest burn. He couldn’t remember a time where anyone touched him so softly.

He wanted to say something, anything. To thank Minghao for coming over, to ask him if he wanted to stay the night, to tell him he liked his t-shirt with a frog on it. But instead he was lulled into sleep by Minghao’s steady hands doodling on his leg.

\- 

Hansol woke up with a start, shooting up as he gasped for breath. He placed his hand on his chest to calm his racing heart. He had been having a very strange dream about some kind of monster chasing him through a grocery store and had been startled awake by the monster swallowing him whole. It was one of those dreams that was stupid after it was over, but terrifying in the moment.

After he caught his breath and calmed himself down, he realized that Minghao wasn’t there anymore. His heart sank, filling him with way more disappointment than the situation truly called for.

Blindly reaching out for his phone, his hand came in contact with a piece of paper. He looked at his bedside table where his phone usually sat and saw a post-it note on top of it. Grabbing it, he pulled it close enough to his face to where his still half asleep eyes could process what was written.

It was a note from Minghao.

“Sollie, it’s like three a.m. as I’m writing this. You look very cute when you sleep, like a little puppy. I’m going home so I don’t invade your personal space by sleeping in your bed. (Though you’re always welcome in mine!) Also, I took a picture of you sleeping and put it on my Snapchat because I had to let everyone know how cute you are. Goodnight! Love, Hao”

Hansol knew he was cheesing like an idiot. He had to be, but it was a completely understandable reaction. Minghao was entirely too cute to handle.

-

"Good morning," Sofia exclaimed when Hansol walked into the kitchen. His parents both froze when they saw him but quickly resumed what they were doing, presumably so they didn't spook him.

"I haven't seen you up this early in months," Sofia added, when the only sound filling the room was their mother fiddling with the coffee maker. He just shrugged in response. He had been too wired after reading Minghao’s note to fall back asleep, but that was no one’s business but his own.

They all sat in a comfortable quiet for a minute, the four of them scrolling on their phones. He enjoyed the peace, the warmth of being surrounded by his family. It was nice to be able to sit with them and not have to worry about them dancing around his mental health.

He was about to get up and make himself some cereal when his father cleared his throat, causing everyone to look at him.

"Hansol, if you're gonna have your, um, friends over," Sofia snorted when he said the word friends in a weird, stressed tone that implied that he assumed Minghao was more than that, "please do it at a reasonable time. You scared me and your mother last night."

Hansol could feel his face get warm and Sofia cooed. "Uh, sorry. Inviting him over was kinda spontaneous." He had thought everyone else was asleep.

Setting down her mug and sending him a warm smile, his mother said, "For what it's worth, your father was the only one scared. And I'm happy you have a new friend. He was very, um, pretty."

He wrinkled his nose. "Can you guys stop saying friend in that weird way?"

"What's on your leg?" Sofia asked, snatching his leg from where it was resting on his chair. He hadn’t looked at the drawings yet. He kind of wanted to keep them to himself, but that plan went out the window as his sister started to trace them with her finger.

"Oh, uh, Minghao was doodling on me. I think he was bored." He was oddly embarrassed. The drawings seemed like they should’ve been kept private, stuck in the bubble of two a.m. when the world was only him and Minghao. 

Sofia sounded incredibly scandalized when she asked, "You invited him over at two in the morning and you didn't even have sex with him?"

"Sofia!" their mother scolded, causing their father to spill a splash of coffee onto the table. A laugh bubbled out of Hansol's mouth before he even thought about it. His mother's eyes shined hopefully when they made eye contact, and he looked back at Sofia. He couldn’t deal with her looking at him like the world was finally turning again whenever he did something that wasn’t lying in his bed.

"We're not, like, together. He's out of my league." Even though it was true it still made his heart feel heavy as he said it.

Sofia rolled her eyes, looking at him like he was an idiot. "That's stupid. If he came over at two am to watch you sleep and draw on your leg then he probably doesn't care."

She made a good point, he realized. Minghao definitely wasn’t the kind of person who cared about “leagues” or stupid societal ideals of attractiveness. But that didn’t mean the fear that Minghao didn’t like him wasn’t there.

He pushed down the insecurity he felt and got up to finally make himself a bowl of cereal.

-

"Have you ever painted before?" Minghao asked in the middle of Hansol inhaling his eggs. He had spent the night after they had binged the Twilight series together. Minghao was very adamant about being "Team Alice" and he decided that Rami Malek's character was gay after he'd been on screen for three seconds. It had taken a lot of willpower not to make out with him right then and there.

Blinking the thought away, Hansol replied, "Uh. Not since a mandatory high school art class."

Minghao nodded, sitting across from him at his tiny little circle table. Their knees brushed and Hansol scooted forward in his chair so they bumped together again. "Would you want to paint with me? No pressure, but it might make you feel better."

Hansol didn't ask how Minghao knew he was sad. At this point, he probably just had sadness flowing out him like a garden hose not turned off all the way.

Minghao raised an eyebrow, waiting for an answer and Hansol realized he'd just been sitting there for a minute, with his fork hovering in front of his mouth. He set it down and nodded, clearing his throat.

"Yeah. I'll paint with you. Sounds nice." The beaming smile he got in return dispersed any lingering awkwardness in the room and made his chest feel less like it was caving in on itself.

-

They ended up on the roof of Minghao’s apartment, which he had promised was “technically not illegal”. They had brought up all of Minghao’s art supplies which included spray paint, chalk, charcoal and a shit ton of paint. Acrylic, tempera, even watercolor. Hansol was pretty sure he'd never seen so much paint in his life.

He expected it to be unbearably hot when they got on the roof because they were closer to the sun, but it was comfortably warm, making him feel a bit more excited than he did before. He still wasn't entirely sure what Minghao had planned but at least he wouldn't be uncomfortable doing whatever it was. Vitamin D was a hell of a drug.

Minghao, who looked statuesque and golden, handed him a moderately large canvas without comment and began digging through a box full of acrylic paint.

Hansol froze. He had no idea what he was doing. He hadn't ever done anything artistic without someone telling him what to do, and even then he wasn't the greatest at it.

"Uh, what's the plan?" he asked, holding the canvas against his chest.

Minghao looked up with a raised eyebrow. "You paint." Hansol had never heard someone say "duh" with their tone alone. It was kind of impressive. "Just do whatever you feel like. Freestyle it. That's what I usually do."

"Okay." He could do this. It was just paint. How hard could it be?

Grabbing a tube of red acrylic, he squeezed a small amount onto the center of his canvas. Maybe he'd create a sunset or something.

Something whacked him in the shoulder, making him jump. Looking down, he saw it was a paintbrush. He turned to send Minghao a playful glare only to see him staring at his canvas. But he couldn't hide the way the corners of his mouth were upturned as he tried not to laugh.

-

Ten minutes later, after they sat in a peaceful quiet, he had a canvas covered in warm colors. They were even kind of blended. It was really messy, his brushstrokes too different to look uniform, and he couldn't really tell what he had created, but it looked pretty enough. Definitely sunset-like. Maybe even sunset adjacent.

The heat was finally starting to get to him, discomfort making itself known as he stood up. Maybe they could go inside soon, if Minghao was finished too. He set the canvas onto the ground, satisfied with his work, and he walked over to see what Minghao was doing.

He gasped when he saw what the other boy was in the middle of painting. There was a spiral of color on the canvas, a kaleidoscope of a rainbow. His lines were sharp, but not harsh and everything was vibrant in a way that was eye catching and incredibly beautiful. No muddy colors like with Hansol's painting. It was some kind of swirl that looked incredibly familiar. It reminded him of his favorite hoodie.

"It's not done yet. Go away," Minghao said, waving him away without looking up. He didn't seem to be actually paying attention, too focused on the paintbrush in his hand.

Hansol pouted and crouched behind him to poke him on his cheek. "You don't wanna see my painting?"

That certainly got his attention. Without another comment, Minghao gently put down his brush and followed Hansol to his painting. He was bouncing on his feet, jumping around like an excited puppy. Hansol was once again reminded of how cute he was.

Once they were in front of the painting and he was seeing it through Minghao's eyes, and from further away, he realized exactly what he had painted. Oh God, he had Rorschach tested himself.

Smeared across the canvas in hues of red, orange and yellow was a volcano with a heart exploding out of it. God, he was so corny.

"Holy shit. I love it," Minghao gushed, resting his chin on his shoulder. Hansol could tell he meant it, by the way his voice was hushed, even gentler than usual. Pride swelled in his chest, that warm feeling of satisfaction returning.

-

Hansol had been roped into yet another party by Seungkwan. He was starting to get bored. It was as if he didn't know any other ways to have fun. The party was at the house of a guy named Mingyu, an apparently mutual friend of Minghao and Seungkwan, which was weird to think about.

He was sitting there, minding his business when Chan said, "I don't understand why you're scared of Minghao,". He watched Minghao leave the room before turning to Hansol with a calculating expression. Minghao was going to get everyone drinks because he'd offered to get Hansol one and everyone else demanded their own.

"I'm not scared of him," Hansol responded, not looking up from his phone. He wasn't even looking at anything interesting, just scrolling mindlessly through his Instagram feed. There wasn’t anything particularly eye-catching. Joshua, his former RA, had posted yet another date picture with his two boyfriends, Seungcheol and Jeonghan, Seokmin uploaded a cover video, Chan's terrible drunk bathroom selfie.

Chan didn’t look convinced. "Then why do you get all weird when he's around? You're even quieter than usual. And you just, like, stare at him, like he’s gonna beat you up or something."

"Oh my God," Seungkwan whispered, and this was the very moment Hansol feared. The shoe finally dropped. He was screwed. "You like him!"

Without any kind of warning, he was throwing himself into Hansol’s lap and squishing his face in his hands. Hansol smacked his hands away and he scoffed, grabbing his face again. “I can’t believe this! Why didn’t you tell me?”

"Uh, should I come back?" Minghao said. He was standing in the doorway, holding a bunch of cans in his arms, looking very concerned. He looked so cute, like a confused kid. He was wearing a black beret, which only made him look tinier, and Hansol wanted to make a joke about them wearing matching black hats but he couldn’t think of anything funny.

Seungkwan sent him a knowing look before he climbed out of his lap. Minghao walked into the room and began to pass out the cans of beer. He was wearing a shirt with a band Hansol didn’t recognize, but Mingyu’s friend with the cartoon character's name was on it. He wondered if Minghao had made it.

The boy in question broke his train of thought as he poked him in the cheek and sat beside him, sinking into the couch and leaning into his side. "I got you a soda, but I didn't know what kind you would want so you'll just have to deal with orange."

Hansol tried not to look too lovesick as he said thanks, fully aware of Seungkwan’s eyes on him. He was amazed that Minghao had picked up on him not drinking when no one else had. Even the people he'd told, like Seungkwan and Soonyoung, didn't seem to realize he didn't want to drink, but Minghao had.

He felt warm inside as he brought the can of soda to his lips.

-

About an hour later, things were starting to wind down. Minghao was across the room talking to Mingyu about something. He was feeling very passionately about the subject if his rapidly moving hands were anything to go by. Hansol was back to scrolling through Instagram and trying not to be obvious about how he was sneaking glances. Boredom was once again starting to set in.

Out of nowhere, he smelled the all too familiar scent of weed. Looking up, he saw Soonyoung holding a joint and a lighter. His stomach turned at the sight. As if sensing his stare, Soonyoung smiled at him as he lit the end.

“You want a hit?” he asked, before immediately passing it to Seungkwan. What a caring boyfriend. Hansol shook his head, folding his hands together in his lap. Soonyoung rolled his eyes and Hansol felt rage flair up in his chest. What was that for? 

"You're no fun now. What did school do to you to make you so boring?" Seungkwan said with a laugh. He blew smoke directly at Hansol, as if he was taunting him.

Hansol couldn’t keep the venom out of his voice as he said, "I'm not boring because I don't want to get high. Maybe you're boring cause you can't have fun without getting high."

"You sound like one of those cringey anti drug ads. But whatever suits you, I guess,” Soonyoung shrugged before taking the joint back from Seungkwan.

"Hansol!" Minghao called from across the room. He waved him over and Hansol had never been more thankful for his existence. He got up from the couch and walked over to him, pushing through the group of people drunkenly playing spin the bottle on the floor, ignoring their cries of protest. 

"Uh, hey," he said once he was beside Minghao. He sent Mingyu a nod in greeting. Mingyu smiled back before walking away without another word. Weird.

"I'm heading home. Do you want to come with me?" Mingyu's friend with the cartoon character name wolf whistled at them and he resisted the urge to flip him off. Minghao didn’t though, earning an offended noise in return.

Hansol shot one last look at Soonyoung and Seungkwan and the joint and felt another spark of rage. He nodded. "Please." His voice was much softer than when he was speaking to Soonyoung and he didn’t understand how Minghao could make all of his negative emotions melt away so easily.

-

They were walking to Minghao's apartment in silence. There was no sounds between them except for the rush of cars going by. Their shoulders kept bumping and without any preamble, Minghao slid their hands together, interlocking their fingers. His rings were cold from the night air, making Hansol shiver. He looked gorgeous under the glow of the street lights when Hansol glanced up at his face.

"I thought you were going to beat Soonyoung up for a second there," he teased, turning to face him when they stopped at a crosswalk. Hansol flushed when he realized he had seen his little outburst.

"I can be short tempered at times. And he was being annoying. Peer pressure is only supposed to be a thing in high school movies." The rage was back, even if only for a moment. He wasn't sure if he liked it, but he didn’t entirely hate it. It was nice to feel something other than numbness for a change.

Minghao cooed, bumping their shoulders together again. "Oh, my moody little Aquarius." The crosswalk sign changed to the little walking stick figure and Minghao ran across the street, yanking him along.

He had a bubbly sort of feeling in his chest at being referred to as Minghao's Aquarius, even if he was being made fun of. It was nice to be Minghao’s anything. "Stop bullying me for my zodiac sign."

"Never. Someone has to put Aquarians in their place."

-

Minghao flipped the light switch as they walked into his bedroom. There was a new painting on his wall, right above his bed. Hansol blinked in shock when he realized it was his volcano piece from the other day.

"You hung up my painting?" he asked, his voice soft. Pride and bashfulness were creating a tornado in his stomach. Minghao smiled and nodded, incredibly pleased.

"I told you I loved it. I always hang up art that I love."

Without warning, surprising Minghao and himself, he pulled the other boy into a hug. It was tight, maybe too tight for the circumstances, but he couldn't contain his emotions. He rested his head on Minghao's shoulder as the hug was returned.

"Thanks," he whispered into the juncture of his neck.

"You don't have to thank me. I really do love the painting," Minghao pulled away from the hug, and he was still smiling.

Without any kind of warning, he began to undress to get ready for bed, taking off his beret and rings. Hansol's body locked up. He was going to die.

"I have pajamas in the top drawer of my dresser," Minghao said, throwing his jacket onto his desk chair. Hansol nodded, his mouth too dry to speak. He walked over to the dresser, thankful that his back would be turned so he didn't have to worry about being unable to stop staring.

Only to realize there was a giant mirror right beside it which gave him a perfect view of Minghao. He was definitely going to die.

As he opened the dresser drawer he watched as Minghao stripped off his t-shirt, exposing the tan skin of his back. There was a tattoo between his shoulder blades of some kind of a bird, a raven or a crow. Hansol wanted to trace it with his fingers. 

He grabbed a pair of pajama pants after he realized he'd been standing there unmoving for too long. He felt hot all over, like someone had turned the heat on high.

He looked away as Minghao began to shimmy out of his jeans, trying to focus on changing his own clothes. He didn't remember being this stressed last time he slept over, but he'd also fallen asleep on the couch in his own clothes, his head cushioned by Minghao's thighs.

"Hey, uh, can I borrow your hoodie? I get cold at night," Minghao called from over his shoulder.

Hansol turned around and bit his tongue so he didn't scream with his mouth closed. Minghao was just standing there in his underwear and Hansol felt like he was going to pass out.

He was thin but still muscular and it was driving Hansol insane. And he was going to wear his clothes. He was seriously not going to survive the night.

"Yeah," he said, his brain working faster than the rest of his body. He yanked his hoodie off and handed it to him.

Minghao smiled in thanks before he pulled it over his head. Hansol had to bite his tongue again. He tasted blood.

Minghao looked incredibly good in actual color, the rainbow of his hoodie making his skin look even prettier than usual, the different hues making it seem more vibrant.

"You look nice," Hansol managed to spit out and Minghao grinned.

"Don't compliment me too much, I might just steal this from you," he teased. Hansol knew he wouldn't be able to be angry if he did.

-

They were laying in Minghao's bed, facing each other when he said, "Tell me why you almost fought Soonyoung. Other than him being annoying."

Not meeting his eyes, Hansol admitted, "I don't like to tell you stuff. I feel like I'm using you as a therapist or something." It was why he didn't tell anyone anything. He didn't want to dump all of his emotional bullshit onto them for no reason.

"I'm your friend," That didn't feel entirely true as he let Hansol slip his hands up the back of the hoodie and tangle their bare legs together. Hansol was amazed by the smoothness of his skin. It was as if he had never been touched by the harshness of the world. "You're allowed to vent to me. If it ever gets too overwhelming I'll let you know."

Hansol nodded, closing his eyes and after a beat, he said, "I, uh, wasn't quite addicted to drugs, but I was getting there." His heart was in his throat as he waited for a response. No one outside of his family knew about his issues with drugs. It made him feel incredibly stupid to talk about. What kind of idiot gets almost addicted to drugs?

"Is that why you won't do anything at parties? Well, anything other than be moody and steal food with me, of course." There was no judgement in Minghao's tone, only fond teasing at the end of his sentence. He sent him a gentle smile when he opened his eyes to look at him. It gave Hansol the strength to keep talking.

"Yeah. I don't want to have to rely on, like, weed and ecstasy and alcohol to have fun, or like feel things," he explained. It was weird to say out loud to someone who wasn't his mom or dad. It felt surprisingly freeing. A bit of the bone crushing weight he’d been carrying around for god knows how long had been taken off of his chest.

"Did you have to before?" Minghao asked. He used the tip of his pointer finger to trace the slope of Hansol's nose. His fingertip was warm against his cold skin. It felt electric. 

"Yeah. I was a party kid in high school-"

His finger went back up the bridge of Hansol's nose to outline his eyebrows with his fingernail. "When you were a heartthrob who looked like some guy from the 90's?"

Hansol snorted, the corner of his mouth quirking up in amusement. He closed his eyes again, pressing closer to Minghao's gentle touch. "Yeah. Stop talking to Seungkwan about me," he joked, unable to stop the smile on his lips from seeping into his voice. "But after high school, I started getting high outside of parties and stuff cause I associated it with having fun. And I wasn't having fun at college so I was  
getting high. I realized it was getting really bad when I was about to take ecstasy in the bathroom before I had a test."

That day was arguably the day when he hit rock bottom. It was the day he cut his hair and realized something was wrong with him. Something that he couldn’t fix with drugs.

A finger ran down his cheek until it reached his jaw. "What test was it?"

"History of the European Renaissance." He couldn’t forget that stupid test no matter how hard he tried. It still filled him with dread, just to mention it out loud.

Minghao wrinkled his nose. "I think I'd take drugs before that too."

Hansol laughed incredibly loud, the sound bursting out of him. He hadn't been expecting that. "Shut up."

Finger now tracing his collarbone, Minghao quietly said, "I'm happy you realized you were hurting yourself before it got really bad. Thank you for not overdosing or something before we could meet."

Hansol pressed his hands into his back, trying to spread the comfort he was feeling. "Thank you for not moving back to China before we could meet."

Minghao smiled softly to himself. "You talk about me with Seungkwan too, huh?"

"Of course."

-

"What's the first thing on your list?" Minghao said, sitting beside Hansol on whoever's bedroom floor they were on. Another day, another stranger's party.

"Huh?" Hansol had forgotten all about his list until this moment, too caught up in enjoying his time with Minghao. He felt like he'd been dunked into a bucket of ice water.

Minghao huffed, playfully irritated that Hansol didn't know what he was talking about. "Seungkwan mentioned that you have some kind of summer bucket list. What's the first thing you want to do?"

"Uh," Hansol tried to conjure up the list in his mind, "tie dye something?"

Curiosity made Minghao's face light up. "Anything specific?"

Hansol shrugged. He hadn't really thought about it. "I don't know, like, shirts and stuff. Might try to make another hoodie because someone we know stole my other one," he teased, poking Minghao repeatedly on his shoulder.

"Can I do it with you? I've never done it before."

Seungkwan raised an eyebrow as he stood beside them. He was Polyphemus, towering over them on the floor, sending them an aloof stare. Minghao wrinkled his nose before resting his head in Hansol's lap. Seungkwan looked miffed when Hansol instinctively started to play with his hair.

"Tie dying," Hansol responded, looking away from Minghao and his sparkling eyes.

Seungkwan immediately brightened, a wind up toy coming back to life. "We haven't done that in actual years. We could invite people over, get some beer, make a party of it."

God, did he ever think about anything other than partying? They were at a party and he still wanted to go to another party? It was starting to get ridiculous.

Hansol shook his head, trying not to feel too bad when Seungkwan's face fell. "I don't want it to be a party thing. I just wanna chill and make some rainbow shit. You can invite Soonyoung if you want, but the less people the better."

He looked somewhat appeased as he nodded, no longer frowning. "Okay, I can do that. Can I still bring beer?"

Hansol snorted but he nodded anyway. "Go crazy. I'm not going to drink it though."

"Me either," Minghao piped up, causing Hansol to laugh.

"That's because you're a beer snob," he teased, poking Minghao's nose. Minghao had gone on an extensive rant about how he hated beer and wine was the superior alcohol and anyone who thought otherwise was brainwashed by capitalism. Then he said he wouldn't drink around Hansol either way, no matter what he was given, in solidarity and Hansol had wanted to kiss him.

Minghao stuck his tongue out. "At least I'm not an Aquarius." He was playing with Hansol's fingers, the ones that had been combing through his hair.

Hansol playfully rolled his eyes. "My sister told me that everyone hates Scorpios and that they're evil and Sofia wouldn't lie to me."

"Maybe I am evil, but I'm still not an Aquarius." Hansol barked out a laugh, spilling some of his soda onto his hand. Minghao giggled as he whined about the Sprite dripping down his sleeve.

"I'm gonna go find Soonyoung," Seungkwan said abruptly, walking away before either of them could say anything else.

Minghao watched him leave, looking amused. "He's your Tinkerbell. He'll die if he doesn't have your undivided attention."

"He has a boyfriend," was the only response Hansol could come up with, but it felt like that wasn't the issue at hand.

"Maybe someone should remind him of that."

Hansol was baffled. Mostly because Seungkwan was jealous, but also because of the implication that there was something between him and Minghao to be jealous of.

-

Two days after the party, Hansol invited Minghao over so they could tie dye. But before they could do that they had to wait for Soonyoung and Seungkwan to show up. Which was taking forever.

Hansol had texted Seungkwan thirty minutes ago letting him know they were setting up the tie dye and didn't get a response. He decided to be nice and wait, even though Minghao said they should start without them.

Now he was laying in his bed with Minghao lying against his chest, showing him a video of a cat trying to open a door.

His bedroom door opened as the cat opened the door, making Minghao cheer. Seungkwan and Soonyoung walked in, looking disheveled. It was incredibly obvious why they were late now. Gross. Soonyoung was holding a bag full of white t-shirts and Seungkwan had a six-pack of beers in his arms.

"Are you ready?" Soonyoung asked, like they hadn't been waiting for him to show up. "We brought beer."

"He's not gonna drink it," Seungkwan mocked and Hansol glared at him. Why was he being such a dick lately?

"Let's go," Minghao said, sitting up and sending Hansol an excited little smile. Hansol nodded, and matched his expression. He was not going to let Seungkwan and Soonyoung ruin his day.

-

"Hansol, can you turn this depressing music off?" Soonyoung asked. They were in his backyard with his speaker connected to his phone. There were various buckets full of dye along with squeeze bottles arranged in rainbow order- at Minghao's request- in the grass. The sun was beating down but he couldn't bring himself to complain because he was having such a fun time.

"Why? Mitski's existentialism doesn't make you feel alive?" Minghao said, from where he was dipping his t-shirt into a bucket of green dye. He laughed when Soonyoung looked briefly concerned, his eyes going wide.

"My house, my playlist," Hansol added, not looking up as he squirted red dye onto part of his spiral. He was trying to make a shirt for his mom, even though he wasn't one hundred percent sure she'd wear it.

"Well, can you at least play something upbeat?" Seungkwan grumbled. He'd been in a terrible mood since he saw Minghao in Hansol's bed.

"Sollie, can you come scratch my nose?" Minghao asked, turning to face him. Hansol nodded and got to his feet, walking over to him. He laughed when Minghao pressed his face into his hand, like a cat asking to be pet, before yelping when his new nose piercing smacked against his palm.

"Stay still." He grabbed Minghao's chin with his free palm, stopping his wiggling. They shared matching wide smiles, on the brink of laughter, as Hansol used his fingernail to scratch the side of his nose.

Hansol didn't let go of his chin even after he finished scratching. It was as if his hand was stuck to his face. Minghao didn't say anything and didn't give any indication that he wanted Hansol to let go of his face. Their smiles slowly faded.

Everything seemed to fade away, except for Minghao and Mitski singing softly in the distance. There seemed to be some kind of gravitational pull towards Minghao. He was the Sun and Hansol was caught in his orbit.

Mitski sang, "So stay with me, hold my hand, there's no need to be brave," and Hansol sucked in a breath. She always seemed to know exactly what he was feeling.

Minghao closed his eyes as the gap between them began to close. Hansol felt like he should've done the same but he wanted to see the other boy's face up close. The golden glint of his nose ring, the hint of a blush on his tan cheeks, the way his pink lips were just barely parted. His beauty was otherworldly.

They were centimeters apart when something blasted over the speakers. Hansol fell onto his back, startled. Minghao dropped his t-shirt into the dye and gasped, immediately fishing for it.

Hansol recognized the song as Girls Generation's "I Got A Boy". He looked over to where he had left his phone and saw Seungkwan holding it, looking not the least bit guilty. He shrugged when he got an angry look from Hansol.

"I told you I wanted to listen to something upbeat," was the only response he gave before putting Hansol's phone back on the table. Soonyoung cackled, and Hansol hated both of them for a moment.

"I'm gonna go wash my hands," Minghao said, holding his hands that were dripping green water away from himself. His soaked t-shirt sat on top of the plastic wrap, leaking dye into the grass.

"Kwan, I'm gonna go get a beer," Soonyoung announced.

"What the hell was that?" Hansol asked as Seungkwan plopped himself onto the grass beside him.

"I told you-"

"No. That was deliberate sabotage. I'm not stupid." Rage was sitting under his skin, like it was waiting for him to explode.

"You're all buddy buddy with him. I see you and him being all flirty. Him calling you pet names, you about to kiss him. Someone's gotta make sure you don't do something stupid." Seungkwan sounded so matter of fact, like it was obvious that he was doing something he shouldn't.

"What's stupid about me liking him? Am I not allowed to like people?" He cut himself off before he could say "people other than you". They did not need to have that conversation right now. Not when he was still trying to have fun.

Seungkwan's expression morphed from the smug little smirk he had into something soft. It pissed him off to no end. "I just don't want you to get hurt. I don't trust him."

Hansol scoffed. He didn't even know Minghao and he didn't trust him? That was such bullshit. "Well, that's your problem. Stop trying to fuck with my love life."

"I'm just protecting you." Protecting him from what?

Hansol didn't have time to think of a response because Soonyoung and Minghao walked back outside. Soonyoung sat across from them and handed Seungkwan a beer, either completely unaware of the tension or simply ignoring it. Minghao didn't follow his lead.

"What's wrong?" he asked, poking Hansol's knee. He frowned, concern written on his face.

"Nothing. I'm fine." Hansol smiled when he sent him an unconvinced look. "Are your hands green?"

Minghao looked at him for another second before deciding to let it go. "No, thank God. I thought I was going to have to walk around looking like Shrek."

"I think you'd find a way to pull it off." Seungkwan rolled his eyes.

Minghao laughed. "Your faith in me is incredibly endearing."

-

After their tie dye session, Hansol ended up going with Minghao back to his apartment because he didn't want to be around Seungkwan and his attitude for any longer. They had decided to sit on Minghao's fire escape so they could watch the sunset behind the buildings across from them.

Sitting there on the fire escape, Hansol felt like he should’ve been thinking about how he could fall to his death at any second. Or jumping over the side. That’s all he would’ve thought about in December. How it would feel like to plummet to the ground. Falling down, down, down to the pavement into the darkness slowly covering the street, the wind whipping passed his ears, drowning out the sounds of traffic. His head cracking open, spilling a lake of blood onto the concrete.

But instead, he was thinking about Minghao.

Minghao, who was dangling his legs through the railings like Hansol used to do on his porch as a kid. Minghao with his golden skin and his whirlpool eyes. Minghao who kept making him smile when he didn’t think he could.

He was humming a song and tapping along to the beat on his knees with his fingers. Hansol didn't recognize the tune, but that was fine with him. He was content to listen to the quiet music and the world below them. Someone was playing a guitar somewhere below them and it reminded him of Joshua and his weekly "jam sessions".

Every Friday afternoon he would gather everybody on the floor and take song requests to help everyone unwind for the weekend. 

He only ever requested a song once. It was during autumn before his breakdown. There were only a handful of people, and they were all on their phones, completely ignoring Josh who was looking more and more dejected by the second. So Hansol, who was on day three of acting like his phone didn't exist and practically vibrating from the Adderall he definitely shouldn't have taken, very quietly asked him to play Frank Ocean's "Ivy". The way Josh had grinned in a way that only his boyfriends seemed to be able to make him do and the way his voice sweetly crooned one of Hansol's favorite songs was enough to the rain clouds over his head part for the rest of the night.

He kind of missed the jam sessions if he was being honest with himself. And Joshua.

Interrupting his reminiscing, Minghao asked, "Do you ever think about the future?" 

Hansol blinked at him, unsure of how to respond. He hummed to himself as he tried to find the words. "No, I don't think about the future. I purposefully avoid thinking about it." His tone came out way harsher than he wanted, his words darting off of his tongue like an angry dog released from a too tight leash.

Minghao nodded, once, his body now tense all over. "Sorry, not to get, like, introspective on you." He stopped swinging his feet. Hansol frowned, guilt creeping in. 

He reached forward and grabbed Minghao's left hand with both of his own. "No, you're fine. Sorry for being passive aggressive for no reason. I just try not to think about it too much. It stresses me out." He rubbed his thumbs over the back of his hand, biting his lip as he looked up between his eyelashes. Minghao didn't look upset, at least. He was smiling his tiny little smile.

Hansol smiled back. "Why'd you ask?" He wanted to kiss the back of Minghao's hand but stopped himself. He didn't want to freak him out. They’d definitely been flirty as of late, but he didn’t know what was too much.

Minghao shrugged, his hand coming up to rub under his eye. The leftover makeup he had on smudged from the motion, leaving an odd dark streak. Hansol wanted to kiss that too. "No reason. Just making conversation." 

"Do you want to go watch a movie?" he asked when Hansol didn't say anything else.

Remembering the list in his back pocket he said, "Can we watch Mamma Mia? It's on my list."

"You've never seen Mamma Mia?" Minghao asked as he stood up. He held out his hand to pull Hansol up. Hansol grabbed it, hoisting himself up, and when Minghao let go he had the urge to clench his hand like Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice.

As Minghao climbed back into his apartment, he responded to his question. "I've seen parts of it, but never all of it in one sitting. This guy who lived down the hall from me at school would watch it every Friday afternoon religiously, so I've seen bits and pieces." He followed through the window, almost knocking his head on the screen. Minghao laughed and he stuck his tongue out at him as he ended up back inside the apartment.

"Why every Friday afternoon?" They walked the short distance to the couch and sat down.

"I don't know. I think it was a way to hang out with his girlfriend long distance." He'd heard the two of them singing along together through FaceTime every time they watched it. It had made him feel even lonelier at the time.

Minghao smiled, soft and sweet. "That's cute. Romantic."

Hansol hadn't ever really thought about it that way. He just accepted it as a thing that happened and didn’t think about why. "Yeah, I guess. I know all the words to Honey, Honey now because of it." Minghao laughed, making him smile.

-

Around twenty minutes in, Hansol had to pee, so Minghao made sure to pause the movie so he didn't miss any of it, which shouldn't have been as cute as it was.

But when he walked back into the living room, he could tell immediately that something was off. The atmosphere felt different. The silence of the living room that had been comfortable before now felt sterile.

He looked at Minghao for answers and he was holding a piece of paper. A very familiar piece of paper.

Hesitantly, he reached into his back pocket and his heart sank when he felt nothing inside.

"Sollie," Minghao said, gently. "What is this?"

"Uhhh," he said eloquently. He didn't want to have to say it out loud.

"This is old, right? From back at school or something? This isn't the list we've been doing things from, right?" He sounded like he was going to cry. Hansol hated how shaken up he looked.

Biting the bullet, he shook his head. There was no point in lying. "I made it when I came home from school," he admitted.

Minghao blinked rapidly and Hansol realized he was trying to stop himself from crying. Fuck. "You're not going to go through with it though, right?"

He sat back down on the couch and sighed. There was no easy way to say this. "I can't give you an answer you want to hear, Hao. I don't know what I'm going to do yet," He hadn't really thought about taking his life since he wrote the list, he'd been too distracted, but he knew that he couldn't go back to that school and feeling so terrible all the time. "But I'm just so tired of how things are. The only time I feel anything besides exhaustion and numbness is when..." he paused, knowing what he was about to say next could make or break them, "When I'm with you."

He didn't want to put that pressure on Minghao, didn't want to put his life in his hands, but it was true. The only time he felt honestly happy was when they were together.

"I can't tell you what to do. But I don't want you to do that. I don't want you to not be in my life anymore Hansol." He looked like he was trying to make Hansol believe his words through his eyes alone.

Hansol intertwined their fingers, and pressed a kiss to the back of his hand. Minghao was shaking.

"I'm not promising anything, but I'm going to try not to hurt you, okay?" It was the best he could offer. Minghao nodded, squeezing his hand. "Do you want to finish the movie?"

They sat in silence for the rest of the night, even though Hansol really wanted to sing along to Lay All Your Love On Me. Minghao stayed stuck to him like glue, holding his hand between both of his own- like Hansol had outside- and resting his head on his shoulder.

-

Things were weird between Hansol and Minghao. As much as he hated to admit it, it was his fault. But he didn't know how to fix it.

How do you fix an emotional wound?

After their Mamma Mia night, Minghao had asked for a few days of space to wrap his head around the emotions he was feeling and Hansol had willingly agreed to give that to him. He didn't want to cause him anymore pain by sticking around.

But he felt like he was back at square one. No one to talk to, nothing to do. He'd just been laying in his bed for two days straight, trying not to feel sorry for himself when he was the one who fucked things up.

But it sucked because things were going so good. The ground had been ripped out from under him. He missed Minghao more than he thought was possible. There was a gaping hole in his chest.

He knew he'd probably feel better if he just told someone what was going on, but then he'd have to tell them why Minghao was upset and he didn’t want to upset anyone else with that information. Seungkwan was out of the question, as was his family. Especially his family. He felt completely alone. The one person that he knew he could talk to was the person he needed to talk about. This sucked.

He was three seconds away from taking another depression nap when his phone buzzed beside him. Picking it up, he saw it was a text from Joshua. He had given everyone his phone number at the beginning of last semester “in case of emergencies or if you wanted to send him pics of dogs at three a.m.” in his words. Hansol had only texted him once, when he was drunk and couldn’t find his way back to the dorm.

And now here he was texting Hansol out of the blue. It felt like a sign. 

Unlocking his phone to answer the text, he felt a wave of panic. What if he texted Joshua about the situation and just unloaded all of his issues onto him for no reason? Wasn’t that selfish? What if Joshua was dealing with some problem of his own?

Biting his lip, he decided that he wouldn’t say anything unless Joshua asked. He would figure out what to do on his own.

From: RA Josh  
hey hansol! just wanted to check up on u lol bcuz uve been silent on like everything and i wanted to see if everything was alright!

Joshua was unnecessarily nice. He knew this already because he had lived on the same floor as him, under his care for multiple months, but it caught him off guard. He wouldn’t even think about checking up on someone because they stopped posting on Instagram. 

He also hadn’t even thought about posting on social media since he left school. He didn’t see the point. There was no reason for him to keep pretending to have fun for people who didn't care.

To: RA Josh  
yeah i’m fine! sorry didn’t mean to worry u

From: RA Josh  
good i’m glad! what have u been up to?

Hansol didn’t know how to respond. Going to parties he didn’t enjoy? Possibly falling in love? Eating a lot of cereal?

To: RA Josh  
not much lol hbu?

God, he hated small talk.

From: RA Josh  
same lol

Hansol usually would’ve left the conversation at that. But there was something nagging at the back of his head. Something telling him to ask Joshua for help. The worst thing he could do was refuse to help and Hansol knew he wasn't the kind of guy to do that.

To: RA Josh  
I could use your advice about something

Hansol bit his lip. Was that too direct? He didn’t want to scare him off.

To: RA Josh  
unless ur busy or something lol i don’t want to bother you 

From: RA Josh  
ofc not! what’s up man?

How would he even explain this situation without telling on himself?

To: RA Josh  
a few days ago i got into a disagreement with my friend about something and like i get why he’s upset but it’s not something i can really change my opinion on? and he asked for space which is fine but i'm kinda worried that he’ll stop talking to me and idk how to make it up to him

Was that dramatic? Would Joshua think he was being dumb? Was he being dumb?

From: RA Josh  
hmmm i would probably wait for him to reach out first that what i usually do when my bfs n i are upset with each other lol

From: RA Josh  
if it’s something u think u can bounce back from then just wait until he feels better and then maybe just do something he likes with him? and try to acknowledge his feelings on the situation so he knows that u care about them!

From: RA Josh  
that’s the best i got for u :/ i hope things go well for u man

To: RA Josh  
thanks that's actually pretty helpful and me too lol

So, he just had to wait it out. That was fine. He wasn’t going to die if he didn’t see Minghao for a little. He was an adult. Everything would be fine.

-

The irony of him meeting Minghao again at yet another party was not lost on him. It had been an entire week of silence and Hansol missed him so much. He actually forgot how to breathe for a second when he saw him again.

Minghao had walked in Mingyu and immediately locked eyes on where he was sitting on the couch, trying to make himself seem smaller. He didn’t want to be there but Seungkwan had made him feel guilty for disappearing again.

He expected Minghao to ignore him and hang out with Mingyu and their group of friends for the night. It was what Seungkwan was doing, sitting across from him but only talking to Soonyoung and Chan. It was making him feel like a child who was put in timeout.

But, always subverting his expectations, Minghao walked over to him and sat directly in his lap, pulling him into a hug. He vaguely heard someone, who might’ve been- and probably was- Seungkwan, gag in disgust, but he ignored it to wrap his arms around Minghao’s waist. He smelled like paint and he was warm in Hansol’s arms.

“I missed you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t talking to you. That was selfish of me,” he said, pulling away from the hug. Hansol frowned, shaking his head.

“You don’t have to apologize for anything. You’re allowed to want space. And I missed you too,” he responded. He couldn’t put into words how much he had missed him. Minghao bit the inside of his cheek. Hansol hated how guilty he looked. His eyes were reflecting Hansol's remorse right back at him and it hurt.

His friend, Jun, called from the corner, “Did you guys break up? Or are you getting back together? What’s going on?”

Mingyu laughed but he punched him on the shoulder. "Leave them alone," he scolded.

"I'm gonna tell Jihoon you hit me." Minghao cracked a smile.

"Can we go back to normal?" Hansol asked. He couldn't explain how much he craved Minghao's presence again. Even having him in his lap in his arms wasn't enough.

Minghao nodded, biting his lip. "But I'm not going to pretend that nothing happened. I'm not going to just forget about it Sol."

"I'm okay with that," he admitted. It wasn't a lie. He needed to start holding himself accountable for how his actions affected other people, especially the ones close to him.

And just like that things were back to normal.

"What's your moon sign?" Minghao asked, resting his head against his neck. His breath was hot against Hansol's skin, making him shudder.

Clearing his throat, he replied, "My what?"

"Oh my god. You make my life so difficult," Minghao whined, like he wasn't curled up in his lap. Hansol snuck his hand up the back of his shirt, earning a kick to his skin. Minghao didn't make him take it out though.

"You two are so weird," Chan said. Hansol blushed, having halfway forgotten that there were other people around. 

Rolling his eyes, Minghao asked, "Do you know what time you were born?" He was playing with the hair on the nape of Hansol's neck, which was incredibly distracting. The room felt too hot all of a sudden.

Hansol surprised himself when he managed to respond, "No, why would I know that? Do you know that?" His brain was having an incredibly hard time keeping up with the conversation.

"Of course I do. I need it so I can do your natal chart." His what?

"Now you're just making things up."

"He's a Scorpio moon," Seungkwan slurred, breaking the spell of whatever that conversation just was. Hansol raised an eyebrow. He was ignoring him all night and now he wanted to talk to him? And how did he even know that? "I did his chart, like, three years ago. I was testing our compatibility."

"Why?" Soonyoung asked. Seungkwan didn't respond, just drank more from his solo cup, ignoring everyone's curious stares.

Minghao smiled at him. “I didn’t know you were into astrology.” He sounded genuinely excited to have something in common with Seungkwan, so of course Seungkwan had to be irritated by it.

“You’re not the only one allowed to know things.” Minghao’s face twisted into a sour expression and he turned back to Hansol without another comment.

"Our sun and moon signs are reversed. That basically means we're perfect for each other," he said, shifting in Hansol’s lap so they were making proper eye contact. His eyes were lined with red eye shadow tonight. It looked like fire, making his stare ten times more intense. Butterflies made themselves known in Hansol’s stomach, tickling his ribs.

-

Hansol’s mom had called him to check up on and make sure he wasn't snorting coke or something, even though he hadn’t ever done coke in the first place. While he appreciated the worry and understood where she was coming from it was kind of annoying and just a little insulting.

He walked back into the living room, freezing on the spot at the sight before him. Seungkwan was yelling something mildly unintelligible at Minghao. Minghao had what was probably the contents of Seungkwan's now empty cup dripping down his face. What the hell had he missed that fast?

"Uh," he said, helpfully as he walked further into the room. Soonyoung sent him a glare which stung and only confused him even more.

"Hao, do you want help cleaning yourself off?" he asked. He could deal with Seungkwan later. Minghao nodded, taking his outstretched hand.

They walked in silence to the bathroom, hand in hand, pushing through the herds of people, who shot them concerned looks.

"What happened?" he asked, closing the door behind them. Minghao perched himself on the top of the toilet, scowling. His eye shadow was running down his cheeks like angry tears.

He yanked his t-shirt out of his jeans, using it to wipe the alcohol off of his face. Hansol turned away from him to search for a rag, his face heating up at the sight of his bare abdomen. "Seungkwan has made it very clear that he doesn't like me."

Opening a closet door distractedly, he replied "What?". There was a stack of multicolored rags in front of him. He grabbed the darkest one, not wanting to ruin someone's linens with the bright red liquid.

He turned back around and was met with Minghao's still scowling face. He wanted to squish his cheeks between his hands but he assumed Minghao wouldn't like that very much. He turned on the water and dipped the rag in, biting back a swear when it was hotter than expected.

"He said, and this is a direct quote, "I hate you and your stupid goth outfits. You're not even cool, just pretentious, and you're taking my Hansol away." He rolled his eyes before closing them as Hansol began to gently rub the rag over his face. His makeup was coming off with the juice.

Hansol ran the rag down the slope of his neck and watched in what felt like slow motion as he swallowed. "I said that was rude and didn't make any sense and he threw his stupid drink in my face and when Soonyoung yelled at him to defend me he started saying a bunch of mean things about him having a thing for me and me being a homewrecker."

Hansol could only croak out "Oh god," at the information. Seungkwan didn't make any sense sometimes.

"I don't even know what I did! I didn't know he had a fucking monopoly over you. Especially not when he has a boyfriend," Minghao spat. He pushed his wet hair off of his forehead and Hansol had to hold onto the edge of the sink so his knees didn't buckle.

"He doesn't. Have a monopoly over me, I mean." He wiped the rag over Minghao’s forehead and awkwardly admitted. "Uh, we used to have, like, a thing?"

"Yeah, obviously. I'm not stupid. I didn't need a drink thrown in my face to see you two are, like, exes or whatever," Minghao huffed. He grabbed the rag from Hansol's hand and started to scrub at his skin.

Wincing at the aggression in his movements, Hansol corrected, "We didn't actually date. We almost did but shit happened. I don't think either of us fully got over it." He hadn’t realized the last part until right now, which was probably part of the problem.

Minghao rolled his eyes and threw the rag in the sink. "Boo fucking hoo. He's still shitty for throwing a drink at me."

Hansol nodded. "Yeah. I'll make him apologize when he's sober."

"And you figure out whatever the fuck is going on between you and him. I'm not gonna be a homewrecker. Or an almost homewrecker or whatever."

Hansol swallowed hard, nodding again. "Yeah, I can do that."

"Cool,” Minghao responded dryly. “Now take me home."

-

Hansol woke up with a numb arm and Minghao drooling on his bare shoulder. He didn’t know what time it was, but it was early enough that the sun was still only just barely lighting up the sky. Despite that, he was still sweating. Probably because of Minghao’s extra body heat on top of him.

He had convinced Minghao to spend the night at his house so they could hang out, as an apology for Seungkwan’s behavior and to make up for the week of not seeing each other. Minghao had grumpily agreed, but only if he could use Hansol’s shower, and they ended the night tangled together in Hansol’s bed.

He had been ecstatic at the time, but now he was regretting it just a little as the heat trickled into his room. He didn’t want to move Minghao off of him and risk waking him up- or losing his touch- but he was going to die before the sun was even properly up at this rate.

He managed to move his arm from between their bodies, smiling to himself when Minghao didn’t stir. Throwing the comforter off of them, he sighed as he got a bit of relief, cool air hitting his skin. He thanked the universe that he was smart enough to turn on the ceiling fan last night.

Minghao was not as pleased. He curled himself tighter around Hansol, his fingers digging into his side, and whined against his shoulder. “Gimme the blanket back,” he groaned, words slurred together. He kicked Hansol in the foot when he laughed.

“But I’m hot,” Hansol replied and Minghao sleepily opened his eyes to glare at him.

“You suck,” he said before grimacing as he pushed his cheek into his own drool. “Ew, sorry.” He reached up and wiped it off of Hansol’s shoulder with the sleeve of his own rainbow hoodie. He had fallen asleep in it because he didn’t have his own clothes to sleep in. The hood was pulled over his head and he looked tiny. He was so cute without even trying.

Hansol smiled as he rested his head on his shoulder again. “It’s cool.”

“I’m going back to sleep,” he grumbled and Hansol nodded, his chin bumping into the top of his head.

He could get used to this. Minghao in his clothes, smelling like his shampoo, curled around him like a cat. It was comfortable and peaceful and he wanted more. Kind of wanted it forever if he was being honest with himself. For the first time in a while, he had something he actually wanted to keep. Something to stick around for. It was as terrifying as it was exhilarating.

-

After Hansol decided to also go back to sleep, they woke up for real around eleven in the morning. Well more like, Sofia woke them up at eleven to ask Hansol if he wanted breakfast then she promptly screamed about him having a boy over without permission because she was evil when she wanted to be.

Since then, they’d been laying in bed since then, looking at their respective phones and showing each other things they thought were interesting or funny every so often. Minghao was still lying against his chest which Sofia was having a field day with. Every time she walked by his door she would make kissy faces at him. She was a menace and he loved her so much.

“Hansol, Seungkwan is here,” Sofia shouted from the living room. Minghao grumbled something to himself and buried his face in Hansol’s neck, frowning against his skin. So he was still upset then. Hansol reached under his hood to play with his hair and he sighed grumpily but still pressed his head against his hand.

“Hansol, I wanna- Oh.” Seungkwan walked into his room and paused, gaping when he saw them lying there. Hansol waved, taking his hand out of the hood and making Minghao snort. He didn’t want to move the arm wrapped against his waist, holding him close.

“Hi Seungkwan,” Minghao said, sitting up and pulling the hoodie down. There was something taunting in his voice. Hansol held back the urge to whine at the loss of contact. It had to happen at some point during the day but it still made him disappointed.

Seungkwan awkwardly explained, “I was gonna ask Hansol how to properly apologize, but I guess I can do it now.” He twisted his fingers together and took in a deep breath before making eye contact with Minghao.

"Minghao, I'm really sorry for how I behaved last night. I was super drunk and I don't know what came over me." Hansol wrinkled his nose. That was the best he could come up with?

Minghao’s body went tense with rage, the smooth slope of his shoulders turning into a rigid line. "Jealousy. You were jealous so you were bullying me. You insulted me and threw a drink in my face like we were in some shitty reality show, and implied that I would steal your boyfriend because you were jealous. At least own up to your mistakes properly," he said, voice the roughest Hansol had ever heard it. He put his hand on his shoulder to try and soothe him, but Minghao shrugged it off.

Seungkwan’s face fell. "I-"

"Look, I don't care what you two do or don't have going on,” he looked between them with a look that could kill. “That's your business. But don't drag me into it. Or Soonyoung. Or anyone. That's your repressed high school romance and no one else's.” he shot Hansol want could only be considered a warning look before he turned to face Seungkwan.

“Seungkwan, I accept your apology because you weren't in the right state of mind but if you pull some shit like that again I will break your nose,” Seungkwan nodded, “Sollie, you're still buying me breakfast."

Hansol nodded as wll and pushed down a piece of his hair that was sticking up. "Okay."

Minghao smiled at him and he relaxed a little bit. He couldn’t have been too mad. "I'm stealing another one of your shirts," he announced before climbing out of the bed. Hansol immediately missed his warmth, like he wasn’t sticky with sweat. Affection was so gross sometimes. 

Minghao walked over to his closet and grabbed one of the few black shirts he owned before leaving, presumably to go to the bathroom to change.

The second he was sure he was gone, Seungkwan rolled his eyes and said, "I still don't like him. He's so bitchy." God, he really couldn't read the room, could he?

Hansol couldn't help but reply with "So are you." He was now officially more than annoyed with Seungkwan and his issue with Minghao.

He went ignored. "It doesn't help that he could say jump and you'd ask how high."

"I told him I'd buy him food last night because I felt bad that you were harassing him." He hated that he felt like he had to defend himself and his actions. He wasn't in the wrong for taking someone to breakfast and Seungkwan was ridiculous for acting like he was.

He received another eye roll in response. "You are incredibly whipped and he's going to use it against you," Seungkwan said as if his word was law. Then he turned on his heel and walked out.

Hansol groaned, flopping back onto his bed and throwing his arm over his eyes. He felt like he'd reverted back to high school when Seungkwan wanted to fight anyone who tried to befriend him. It was exhausting.

-

He ended up taking Minghao to his parent's favorite diner after a ten minute long debate on where to go. It was one of those classic cheesy Americana style diners, complete with chrome furniture, retro style posters of celebrities like Marilyn Monroe and Elvis, and working juke boxes. Minghao's smile when they walked in had definitely been worth the argument.

He'd never been there on his own but all of the waitresses recognized him and wouldn't stop sending him knowing glances every time they passed their booth. One of them, a girl a bit older than Sofia named Kyla, kept winking at them and it made Minghao laugh every time, which was probably why she continued to do it.

They were playing a game to see who could steal the most of each other's food because Hansol had stolen a sausage link and things had escalated. So far Hansol was winning, but Minghao was determined to catch up. He was stealing pieces of Hansol's pancake when he asked, "What's next on your list?" 

Hansol almost choked on the piece of Minghao's french toast he was eating. He had assumed they wouldn't talk about the list anymore. "See a Van Gogh piece," he said, picking up his water.

Minghao smiled, then teasingly responded, "Ooh, a man of taste." 

He shouldn't have been surprised but Minghao always caught him off guard. "I didn't know you liked Van Gogh." He tended to lean more towards abstract art with his own pieces, so it seemed a bit out of character.

"I'm gay and an artist. Of course I like Van Gogh." Hansol laughed, clamping his hand over his mouth so he didn't spit water everywhere. An old lady at the counter turned to glare at him for being loud, but she looked delighted when she saw them together.

Hansol smiled to himself before he offered, "We could go to The Metropolitan." 

Minghao shrugged, snatching another piece of pancake and laughing triumphantly when Hansol tried to swat his hand away. "I've never been."

"I've only been a few times. My parents hated tourist things when I was growing up." He stole another piece of french toast and earned a kick to his ankle in response. 

Minghao nodded. "Understandable. When do you want to go?"

Hansol smiled again. He was trying to hide it but he looked super excited at the idea of visiting a museum. He was basically bouncing in his seat. "Something tells me you want to go today,"

Minghao shrugged again. "I just want you to experience all the fun things you want to experience before-" he paused, making nerves and guilt swirl in Hansol's stomach, "whatever you decide to do at the end of the summer."

What could only be described as a tidal wave of love washed over Hansol. Seungkwan was right about him being super whipped. Minghao was so kind, even though he thought it might end up hurting him in the end. He couldn't help but blurt out, "I could kiss you right now."

"You better make sure Seungkwan's not under the table if you do. I don't need hot coffee thrown in my face." Minghao reached forward and grabbed his hand, locking their fingers together. They were both sticky with syrup but neither of them really minded.

"Neither of us even have coffee," he replied after a beat too long of just looking at their hands.

Minghao grumbled, "He'd make it materialize with his little gremlin hands," as he rubbed his thumb over Hansol's.

"Don't be mean."

Minghao gasped, looking outraged. "He called me a homewrecker!"

-

Everything was perfect as they drove to the museum. The windows were down, the weather was nice, Minghao was still holding his hand. Even the playlist they were listening to was perfect.

Well, everything was perfect except for one thing.

"I swear to God if you play Sufjan Stevens one more time I will jump out of this car," Seungkwan exclaimed. 

Minghao gasped and turned to him, looking genuinely scandalized. "You're telling me you don't hear, 'And you're all I want'," he cupped his free hand over his mouth as if it was a single parenthesis to say the ad-libs, making Hansol laugh. "'I fell in love, I fell in love the moment that I met you'." He sucked in a breath. "'And you're all I need, I give my life, I give my love, promise I will protect you' and that doesn't make you feel like your heart is about to explode and you need to, like, howl at the fucking moon or something?"

Hansol wanted to kiss him so bad. Why was he so perfect?

"Keep your eyes on the road, lover boy," Seungkwan snapped, and Hansol quickly looked to the packed street ahead of them. He could feel Minghao's eyes scanning his face and he squeezed his hand, making them both smile.

Seungkwan whined, "Ugh, am I going to have to suffer through you two giving each other heart eyes all day?"

"You invited yourself," Hansol reminded.

He'd stopped back at his house with Minghao to let Sofia know where he was going so she didn't worry, and Seungkwan was in the living room, lying on the couch and scrolling on his phone.

"Uh, why are you in my living room?" he asked. Seungkwan sat up and frowned when he saw Minghao was still with him.

"I want to hang out. Where are you two going?" he asked, standing up and walking over to them. He glanced down at their hands, still intertwined and his face twisted with disdain.

Minghao let go. Hansol refused to let Seungkwan ruin another day for them. He was sick of it.

"We're going to a museum," he said, defiantly grabbing Minghao's hand again. He wanted to have fun without worrying about what other people thought. And he wanted to hold Minghao's hand.

"I'll come with," Seungkwan said, smirking. Minghao didn't even bother to hold back an annoyed groan.

So that was how they ended up with Seungkwan in the backseat, complaining about literally everything.

It would have been much more annoying than it was if Hansol didn't have music playing and Minghao didn't keep sending him giddy little smiles every couple of minutes.

-

As soon as they entered the museum, something shifted on Minghao's face. He was lit up from the inside, an expression of pure joy on his face. It was the same face he had when he saw Hansol's volcano painting. He looked so incredibly happy and Hansol wanted him to wear that expression always.

They had agreed to see the Van Gogh pieces last because it would probably be packed seeing as it was the middle of the day, and Hansol was ready to let Minghao drag him around all day if it meant he could stay that happy.

"What are we doing first?" Seungkwan asked, slapping them both on the backs. He pushed between them so they were forced to drop hands and smiled directly in Hansol's scowling face.

Minghao cleared his throat, and tilted his head so he was looking past Seungkwan, and directly at Hansol. "Not to be cheesy, but is it okay if we start at the Chinese Calligraphy exhibit?"

Hansol nodded, smiling at how shy he sounded. "Yeah, whatever you want b- Hao." He had almost slipped up and called him baby, which would have been mortifying. He would've had to flee the scene.

Seungkwan grumbled, "You two actually gross me out."

Hansol scoffed. "You literally made out with Soonyoung right beside me a few months ago."

-

Minghao went quiet as soon as they entered the room housing the calligraphy and other ancient Chinese works. Everything was a bit gray from age, but it was all beautiful. Intricate lines and gentle looking brush strokes. There was a lot of care put into the pieces.

They kind of reminded Hansol of Minghao in a way. He was all hard lines, but so incredibly gentle. He put so much care into everything he did, with everything from painting, to doodling on Hansol's skin when he was zoned out, to doing his own makeup. And, of course, he was nothing if not beautiful.

Hansol hooked his chin over his shoulder and Minghao bumped their heads together.

"I kind of hate the fact that museums have so much art that doesn't belong to them. Why should they get to profit off of things they didn't create? Off of cultures that don't belong to them? Why do they have so much self importance that they think: I can tell this country's story better than themselves?" Minghao breathed. Hansol had something odd flicker in his chest. He'd never thought of it in that way. "But- ironically? hypocritically?- there's something about these places that feel like home to me. All this art from so many people and places. It, like, comforts me knowing that people have always had art to create and share and love."

Hansol couldn't think of a response that was as magical as what he just said. His heart was hammering in his chest, sent into overdrive from all of the affection he was feeling. How did he get so lucky to meet someone like Minghao?

He tangled their fingers together and pressed a kiss to his shoulder, feeling too overcome with fondness to say anything.

-

After they left the Chinese Calligraphy exhibit, they tried to visit as many other exhibits as they could while avoiding any and every Van Gogh piece they could.

Minghao taught him about abstract expressionism and how they tried to shift the art center of the world from Paris to New York which he thought was, "kind of racist because so many non white countries have been making way cooler art for centuries but Paris kind of sucks so they shouldn't have been the center in the first place anyway." When Hansol pointed out that he did abstract art, he replied, "Yeah but I'm cool." 

Hansol got to teach him about his favorite, maybe-gay-but-definitely-not-straight-artist, Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio. He told him about how Caravaggio threw stones at his landlord's house for evicting him, once had his religious painting rejected because the people who commissioned it said it was too sexual, and straight up murdered a guy. Minghao had very quietly responded, "Holy shit," before having to apologize to a young mother for swearing in front of her kids.

Seungkwan complained about every single exhibit they saw, no matter what it was or who made it. It should've been annoying, which was what he was aiming for, but Hansol had started to tune him out.

Now they were finally at the Van Gogh exhibit. Hansol was so amazed that for a very long second he couldn’t breathe. Something about Van Gogh’s art always fascinated him. Maybe it was the colors he used, or something about the brushstrokes. He wasn’t sure, but either way he was beginning to feel oddly sentimental as they stood in the gallery.

They were standing in front of a painting titled “Corridor in The Asylum”. It was bright and exciting, it’s depiction of the hallway and it’s many, many making it look never ending. It reminded Hansol of the fun house mirrors at a carnival.

Even though the picture was fun and eye catching, it wasn’t what had caught his attention. The description placard under the painting made it sound like some sort of depressing situation, saying Van Gogh stayed in the asylum for “12 months before his death” and Hansol hated it. The demonization of mental illness was not lost on him. 

Van Gogh had made so many beautiful paintings while he was in asylums, including his most famous ones, but no one seemed to acknowledge that unless they were saying, “Yeah, he was crazy… but he still made great art!”. Hansol couldn’t stand how his work was just diminished to his mental illness. It was like he couldn't be appreciated without people, or even places like the museum, pointing out that he was mentally ill.

He didn't want to end up like that.

He didn’t want to kill himself then have everyone treat his life like it was some incredible tragedy just because he happened to be depressed. He didn’t want his life and work and all the love he had to share to be erased. It was such bullshit. He wouldn’t go out like that. 

“Sollie? Are you okay? Why are you crying?” Minghao asked, pulling him out of his thoughts. He blinked and realized he had tears running down his face. When did he start crying?

Seungkwan walked over, face twisted with worry. He gently placed his hand on Hansol’s arm, rubbing it to comfort him.

“Sorry, I’m okay. Just got, like, emotional for a second,” Hansol explained with a watery laugh. He wiped the tears off of his cheeks with his palms but they kept coming. He could feel his face turning red with embarrassment. He couldn’t remember the last time he cried and now he couldn’t stop. 

“Do you wanna go sit down or something?” Minghao asked, smiling gently as he wiped Hansol’s tears with his thumbs. He was so gentle all the time that it kind of hurt.

Hansol shook his head, wiping his eyes again. “No, I’m okay. Promise,” he tried to smile but he wasn’t sure how successful it was.

Minghao smiled back, briefly resting his hand on Hansol’s cheek. “Okay. Do you want to take a picture with me? You don’t have to but I saw this little sign when we came in and got an idea. And then we can leave?”

Hansol nodded, sniffling. Seungkwan sent him another worried glance.

Minghao guided them to a sign that said, “With a handshake, your loving Vincent.” Hansol felt like he was going to cry all over again as he stared at the word loving, but he managed to hold it together. 

“Can we, like, shake hands in front of it? I know it’s kinda corny but…” Minghao trailed off, smiling bashfully. He was so, so cute.

Hansol nodded. “Yeah, we can do that. I don’t think it’s corny.” It was more sweet than anything else.

“Kwan, will you take the picture?” he asked, already handing over his phone. Seungkwan rolled his eyes, but there was a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

Minghao held out his hand and Hansol gladly took it. He loved holding his hand, even though he couldn’t quite explain why. It just felt right.

“Say cheese!” Seungkwan exclaimed. Minghao snorted out a laugh. Hansol smiled as he glanced between them. Maybe they could actually get along sometime in the future.

There was an excited flutter in his chest at the prospect of the future and he smiled even wider.

-

"Bye," Hansol said as Minghao opened the door to his apartment building. They sadly had to part ways because Minghao had things to do the next day, so Hansol was dropping him off at his apartment. He knew realistically he didn’t have to walk him to the door, but he just wanted an excuse to see him for a few seconds longer.

"Bye," Minghao repeated smiling. He stood there, holding the door open as they continued to stare at each other. 

"Are you two going to kiss or not? I'm bored and I want to go home," Seungkwan groaned. His tone was mostly full of teasing instead of the venom it would have earlier in the day. It didn’t mean Hansol wasn’t still irritated by his interruption.

Minghao smiled again and leaned forward, pressing an impossibly quick kiss to Hansol’s cheek. "Bye Sollie," he said before walking inside.

Hansol had to curl his hands into fists at his sides to stop himself from touching the spot where Minghao had kissed like some kind of love-struck romcom protagonist.

“You’re smiling like a serial killer right now,” Seungkwan said. He probably was but he was too happy to care.

-  
"Ew, why is it wet?" Hansol exclaimed as he pressed his fingers into the eye shadow. He had come over so they could watch the second Mamma Mia movie and now they were sitting in Minghao’s bed, with him doing Minghao’s makeup. Or at least trying to. Minghao had sprung the information that he had a photo shoot with Mingyu on him as soon as he walked into the door. Apparently, he actually was a model and just didn’t think that was important information to mention to Hansol for weeks. He claimed he wasn’t a “real model” cause the only agency he was signed to was Mingyu’s but his almost one million Instagram followers begged to differ. Hansol couldn’t believe he had a thing for a pseudo celebrity and no one decided to tell him.

Minghao scoffed, playfully rolling his eyes. "It's not wet, you crybaby. It's cream, so it's, like, sticky instead of being the powder you expected."

"You could've warned me, you bully." He rolled his eyes again but he quickly closed them and allowed Hansol to swipe the pigment over his eyelids. It was gold and shimmery and it would’ve looked super pretty if it went on opaque. Why was it super bright in the little package but not on skin? It didn’t make any sense. He truly had no idea how makeup worked.

As if reading his mind, Minghao instructed, "You might have to do a couple coats of it. Stuff like that tends to go on pretty sheer."

"M'kay." He smeared more of the color onto his fingers and repeated the motions. The way the color transferred from his fingertips to Minghao's skin was magical. He cleared his throat, forcing himself to ask the question he’d wanted to know the answer to for weeks.

"How did you get into makeup?"

Minghao let out a pleased little hum that vibrated through Hansol’s chest. "Through modeling. I got into it in high school because Mingyu got into photography and he needed a model. I just kept doing the makeup because it’s fun. And it makes me feel good. But now Gyu's, like, moderately famous and I'm his muse apparently."

Hansol definitely remembered Mingyu. He was incredibly hard to forget. A six foot two bronze skinned Adonis with one of the prettiest smiles he'd ever seen? There was no way he was leaving Hansol's mind any time soon.

But he also remembered the way he stared at Minghao like he hung the stars and the way they seemed to drift towards each other and a spark of jealousy lit itself in his stomach. "You're not, like, dating him, right?"

Minghao laughed, throwing his head back as Hansol tried to swipe more color onto his eyelids. "No, Sol, I'm not dating him," he clarified. There was a pause as Hansol got back to work, haphazardly rubbing gold on his cheekbones. He was just making shit up but it didn’t look super bad. It must’ve been Minghao’s pretty face making up for where the makeup was lacking. "Would you be jealous if I was?"

Hansol responded with a nervous huff of a laugh. “Uhhh…”

He was rescued from having to answer by the door opening and a guy he didn’t recognize walking in. Hansol couldn’t see his face that well because his hair was falling into his eyes.

“Mingyu, he’s in here with some guy I don’t know,” the guy called, turning back to outside of the room.

“Hey Kook,” Minghao said, smiling at him. ”Hansol, this is my friend Jungkook. Kook, this my other friend Hansol.”

“Hi,” Jungkook said, waving. Hansol could see why he was friends with Minghao, judging from his all black outfit and his finger tattoos. He was kind of intimidating.

Hansol remembered to respond, “Hey,” just before Mingyu walked in. He had an old looking gray camera around his neck and he was holding another one in his hand.

“God, it's like you two are attached at the hip,” he said when he looked up and saw Hansol sitting there. “Hi Hansol, how are you?”

Awkwardly, he replied “I’m good,” unsure of what to say. Stupid hot guys turning his brain to mush.

Mingyu nodded, smiling at him before turning back to Minghao. “Bambam is gonna be pissed when he finds out you let someone else do your makeup.”

Minghao shrugged. “That’s his problem. What are we doing today?”

-

They ended up on the roof again. Hansol didn’t really understand why because it looked like it was going to rain, but at least it wasn’t super hot.

Mingyu was in the middle of doing what Hansol assumed was fixing the settings on his camera when he asked Minghao, “You know how I said I wanted to do something with your tattoo?”

Minghao nodded, face scrunching in confusion. “Yeah.”

“Take your shirt off,” Mingyu commanded. Hansol choked before he could stop himself.

-

Minghao was a natural behind the camera, which Hansol should have expected. He was graceful and elegant when he wasn’t trying so he was even more so when he was posing.

Mingyu was lying on the ground, as Minghao stood above him, arms outstretched like he was ready to fly away. His tattoo sat proudly between his shoulder blades, giving him wings. Hansol couldn’t make himself turn away.

Jungkook stood beside him, sending pictures of Mingyu on the ground to someone called “DOUBLE B!!!” on Snapchat. Hansol would’ve thought it was really funny if he wasn’t so distracted by Minghao.

“Are you Hao’s boyfriend?” Jungkook asked, suddenly turning to him.

Startled, Hansol jumped so hard he almost fell, making Jungkook laugh. With pink cheeks, he replied, “No, uh, why?”

Jungkook shrugged. “You’ve just been watching him, and he keeps looking at you and smiling. So I just assumed.”

“Oh, well…”

Jungkook turned away from him, pulling up his phone again as Mingyu pulled a weird pose that had his leg hanging in the air. Photography was weird. “Maybe you should ask him out. He’s doing a little fashion show thingy with Mingyu in a couple days. You should ask him to do something after that.”

If only it was that easy. 

-

Hansol was in a fantastic mood. He didn’t know what it was, but nothing had been able to bring him down all day. It might’ve been the sunlight streaming into his room or the fact that he had hyped himself up enough to figure out a plan to ask Minghao to be his boyfriend. He was going to follow Jungkook’s advice and ask him out after the fashion show. He was going to bring flowers and everything. He hoped it went well.

He was in his room, killing time by singing a very passionate, off-key rendition of Fergie's "Clumsy" complete with the background vocals, when his bedroom door burst open. It swung so fast that it hit the wall with a stress inducing crack. His mom would kill him if there was a hole.

He looked over to see the culprit, ready to yell at Sofia for being rude, but it wasn't her.

"Let me see the list," Seungkwan demanded. He was standing there with his arms crossed over his chest. His face was pink all over, making him resemble a peach. It would've been cute if it wasn't incredibly confusing.

Hansol hit the space bar on his computer to pause Fergie and her love-struck monologue. The silence that filled the room after made his stomach turn. He couldn't know what was on the list, could he?

"Good afternoon to you too. It's nice to see you," he joked, trying to ease the tension.

No such luck. Through grit teeth, Seungkwan spat, "Hansol, show me the list."

What the hell was his deal? "No? It's my list." 

Seungkwan let out a noise that resembled a roar, throwing his arms in the air. "You let Minghao see it. You let a stranger see it before me."

Hansol almost scoffed aloud. That was what the problem was? The fact that Minghao saw it before him?

"He saw it by accident. That's not the same thing and you know it. And he's not a stranger." How could he say Minghao was just some stranger, especially after spending the majority of a day with him? Was the day at the museum just completely erased from his memory?

Seungkwan rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah, you've been having your secret indie goth boy hang outs at two in the morning. My mistake," he mocked, waving his hands around in faux defense.

Hansol had idea what was going on. Why was he angry at him for having out with Minghao now, when the summer was starting to end? "Why are you yelling at me right now? Are you seriously mad that I've been hanging out with Hao?"

The question only seemed to enrage him even more, his hands balling into fists at his side. "No, Hansol, I'm not mad. Why would I be mad? I mean, it's not like you ignored me for the entirety of sophomore year and I expected you to actually want to be around me this summer. It's not like you've been blowing me off to hang out with a guy you just met last month because you want to fuck him. It's not like that guy was the one who had to tell me you plan on killing yourself by the end of the summer so you don't have to go back to school!" He was full on shouting now, his voice coming out as a growl.

Hansol needed to calm him down. Needed to explain himself. "That's not-"

Seungkwan interrupted him before he could even finish his thought. "I don't care that you like him or whatever, but you could at least try to talk to me and not be such a fucking coward all the time."

"I'm not a coward," Hansol replied. Anger was starting to make itself known in the back of his head. Who did Seungkwan think he was? He didn't know shit and he thought he could insult him because Hansol didn't tell him he wanted to kill himself first?

"Yes you are! You've been a coward your whole fucking life! Ever since we were little kids I've had to push you to do things because you were too scared. Just like how you were too fucking scared to pursue anything between us. And then you ignored me because you're a coward. Now you plan to kill yourself because you're too scared of the future."

That was his breaking point. "Get out. Go home. I don't want to talk to you," he said. He was too angry to even yell. 

Seungkwan threw his arms up again. "See you're doing it again! You're scared because you can't handle the truth."

"No, I just don't want to talk to someone who's throwing shit he doesn't understand in my face because he's upset that I like someone else when he has a boyfriend. We can talk about this when you aren't going to scream at me and when you actually care enough to listen to what I have to say. Get out."

Seungkwan seemed to deflate after that. He opened his mouth to say something else but stopped himself. Without another word, he turned on his heel and walked out.

Hansol groaned loudly, putting his head in his hands. Well, there went his good mood.

He got up and immediately buried himself in his bed, putting his pillow over his head and his comforter over that.

Less than a minute later, Sofia crawled into the bed next to him and pulled him into a hug, wrapping her entire body around him. They didn't say anything for the rest of the afternoon. She didn't ask about the list or mention the fight or the hole in his wall. It was just the two of them, and the setting sun painting his bedroom in oranges and pinks. She didn't even say anything when he started to cry. She just laid with him and stroked his hair, her fingers scratching at his scalp.

-

Hansol was going to change. He wasn't going to wallow in self pity anymore and he wasn't going to let his depression take control of him. Or at least, he was going to try. He had kind of wasted two days after his fight with Seungkwan staring at the wall. But he was going to do better.

Which was exactly why he was knocking on Minghao's door, even though it was only ten in the morning.

"Hi," he said as Minghao stared back at him, holding his door open with a frown. He looked exhausted and the most disheveled Hansol had ever seen him, his makeup smudged and his hair sticking up everywhere. He was still beautiful, but that wasn't surprising at this point.

"Hi," he paused to yawn. "I mean this in the nicest way possible but did you need something? Because I'm really, really tired and want to go back to bed."

Guilt swirled in his stomach and he almost chickened out. But then the voice in his head shouted that he was being a better person and he nodded. "Uh, can I come in? I wanted to talk, maybe. If that's okay." He hated the discomfort sitting in his stomach. Minghao was the one person he’d been comfortable around all summer and now that was gone. 

Minghao sighed but nodded back. "Yeah, yeah, come in."

-

They were on the couch like usual but there was too much space between them. Minghao was curled into a ball, looking super tiny. Hansol felt so bad for keeping him up.

He had to get the conversation over with. He didn’t want to waste any more of his time. "I'm sorry I missed your show and didn't answer your texts for three days. That was really shitty of me," he said and Minghao huffed out a laugh, but he didn't look amused.

"Yeah it was. I was worried something happened. You could've at least told me to fuck off if you didn't want to talk." He didn’t sound angry, just resigned and Hansol absolutely hated it.

Entirely too quickly, he replied, "I did want to talk. I always want to talk to you." He didn't want Minghao to think he didn't want him around.

Minghao raised an eyebrow, looking unimpressed. "You have a weird way of showing it."

Hansol grabbed his hand, before looking into his eyes and blurting out, "Okay, uh, I have no idea how to say this. But, uh, I like you. Like a lot. Like so much ."

"You-"

"You don't have to, like, say anything. I just wanted to let you know. Because I had a fight with Seungkwan about me being a coward, which is why I was ignoring you because I was really upset because he said something fucked up to me. But he was kind of right. I'm scared to talk about things. But I'm tired of being scared to, like, say things and talk about my feelings and I don't know how to explain it but you kind of make me feel like I've got the entire galaxy orbiting in my chest and-"

Minghao was smiling so wide it probably hurt. "Can I kiss you?"

"What?" Hansol's brain immediately shut off. 

"Can I kiss you?" he repeated, still smiling. Hansol couldn't believe he was the reason he was smiling like that.

He nodded so fast that it hurt. "Yeah, you can definitely do that."

Minghao laughed as he moved closer with his knees. He almost fell to the floor, but he caught himself, grabbing onto Hansol's shoulder. His fingers were cold as they latched onto the back of his neck.

He smiled at Hansol again before closing his eyes and leaning in.

Their lips touched and Hansol melted into the couch, all of the tension leaving his body. His lips were chapped and there was leftover lipstick on Minghao’s but he didn’t care. He’d wanted this for what felt like a millennia. 

"I like you too. Just wanted to make that clear because you are unimaginably dense," Minghao said after barely pulling away from his mouth.

Belatedly he cried, "Hey!". He was so happy that he felt like he was drunk. But better. Lovedrunk.

Minghao giggled against his lips as he stole another kiss. "Hansol, we were basically dating already. Do you think I just almost kiss all of my friends? Or cuddle with them? Or wear their clothes?"

"I didn't want to assume anything!" he said in his defense making Minghao laugh again.

Hansol kissed him again, his right hand coming up to cup his jaw. Minghao held his face, smiling against his lips before he pulled away to yawn. Hansol laughed, throwing his head back.

"Shut up," Minghao said with another giggle as he rested his head on his shoulder. "Come to bed with me," he commanded, lips pressed against his t-shirt.

"M'kay," he responded before placing his hand under Minghao's knees and picking him up to carry him to his bed.

Nuzzling more into his shoulder, Minghao quietly muttered, "That was really hot." 

-

"Why are you all smiley?" Chan asked as Hansol walked into Seungkwan’s living room. He had a sleepover with Soonyoung and Chan if his Instagram stories were anything to go off of. 

Hansol was too giddy to respond with anything besides, "Am I not allowed to smile, Dino?". He knew he should’ve been more nervous but he was still buzzing from Minghao’s affection.

"I-" A surprised, elated smile took over his smile, making Hansol smile again. It was the first time he had actually called him Dino since he came home, he realized. "I just don't think I've seen you smile that wide in forever. Have you always had so many teeth?"

"Fuck you," he said with a delirious sort of laugh. "Is Seungkwan here?"

"Yeah, he's upstairs."

-

He took a deep breath once he stood outside of Seungkwan’s bedroom door. Everything would be fine. He was going to be honest. He wasn’t going to get angry. If things didn’t work out after this conversation, it would hurt but it would be okay. Eventually. Everything would be fine, one way or another.

He pushed the door open and Seungkwan glanced at him before looking back at his phone. Hansol’s heart sank. Then he did a double take and got up from the bed, throwing his phone to the side. He ran forward and threw himself at Hansol, wrapping his arms around his neck.

Hansol sighed against his neck and hugged him as tight as he could.

Seungkwan pulled away from the hug and immediately started rambling. "I'm sorry I said all that stuff to you. That was so, so shitty. I was just scared and angry and I know it's not an excuse but-"

"Kwan, breathe," he said, letting go of his hold. He walked them over to the bed.

Seungkwan closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. When he opened them again, he made sure to look Hansol in the eyes.

"I shouldn't have called you a coward. That was incredibly uncalled for. And I should've listened to you. You were right. I'm jealous of you and Minghao. It just felt like you were throwing me away for him and you didn't want to be around me anymore, so I lashed out instead of talking to you about it. I'm really sorry."

Hansol frowned, trying to figure out where to start at all of the things he needed to say.

"I- Well, firstly, I do want to be around you still. Except for when you're being a dick to people I care about," he shot Seungkwan a glare and he nodded, looking like a chastised puppy. "But I was, and still am, dealing with a lot of shit."

Running his fingers through his hair that was finally starting to grow back out, he sighed. "At school, last December, I tried to kill myself," Seungkwan gasped and he looked up, eyes welling with tears. "I had been dealing with depression since senior year of high school and I didn't know what it was or why I wasn't feeling anything. So I started taking drugs just so I could feel something and I just coasted for freshman and sophomore year, doing the bare minimum to get by."

It felt like he wasn't in control of his body. Like he wasn't the one explaining what happened to him. It was so strange to be talking about it so casually.

"It was why I ignored you and why I didn't try to make something happen between us. I didn't want to fuck it up because I was feeling weird and terrible," he explained. It was weird to admit. He had been holding onto that guilt for so long and now it just wasn't inside of him anymore.

Seungkwan wiped a tear that slipped down his face. "You could've told me. I would've tried to help you."

Hansol nodded, trying to send him a reassuring smile. "I'm sure you would have. But I couldn't even tell myself what was going on until it was almost too late. It's not something that I thought I could talk about. But I'm getting better and I'm not going to keep everything inside anymore. Or at least, I'll try not to."

Seungkwan threw himself at him again, tackling him down to the bed. "I'm really sorry you were dealing with all of that alone. And that I forced you to be around alcohol and stuff all summer. I was just expecting high school Hansol and didn't want to admit to myself that he wasn't around anymore."

Hansol shrugged. "It's okay. You didn't know any better. I'm not mad at you for it."

"And I should apologize to Minghao. I kind of forced him to tell me about the list and he really didn't want to because it was your business," Seungkwan admitted, looking incredibly guilty.

"Yeah, he told me," They had talked about it after they woke up from their nap. Hansol told him he was going to talk to Seungkwan about their fight and Minghao let him know that Seungkwan had harassed him about what was on the list until he gave in. "You should apologize for how you've treated him all summer. You've been really mean to him for no reason."

Seungkwan nodded. "I'll call him tonight." Then he smiled and poked Hansol in the face. "Are you guys boyfriends now?"

Hansol completely gave himself away by smiling. He was grinning so wide that his cheeks kind of hurt.

"Yeah. I told him that I like him earlier today," he said.

Just like that, Seungkwan started teasing him about having a boyfriend like he would whenever he found out Hansol had a crush. It was familiar and nostalgic in the best kind of way.

-

"You can't avoid your mental health issues and your family by making out with me," Minghao scolded as he let Hansol slide his hand up his shirt. He swore breathily as Hansol ran his fingers across his chest. Then he tensed and grabbed his wrist through the fabric.

He locked eyes with Hansol and very seriously said, "You are not allowed to do sexual things with me- or to me- when your family is home."

Hansol nodded and removed his hand from his shirt, sitting up. "Sorry baby." 

Minghao followed suit and kissed his nose. "It's okay. And you need to talk to them Sollie," he instructed, wrapping his arms around his neck.

Hansol huffed. "That's too hard. You're the only person I know how to talk to because you don't treat me like I'm about to break if you breathe on me wrong." He rested his head on Minghao's shoulder, closing his eyes.

Minghao started to rub the back of his head, trying to comfort him. "They just don't want to upset you. And I don't know the old you that they do, so of course I'm gonna treat you different."

He made a good point. But he still didn't want to talk about it. "I'm happy you don't. Old me sucked," he said. 

Minghao smiled and kissed his cheek. "I'm sure he was cool at the time. You shouldn't be so mean to past versions of yourself."

-

Hansol would literally rather eat his own fist than talk to his parents about not going back to school. But he knew he needed to. He couldn't go back.

He waited until after they ate dinner so he could work up the nerve to bring it up. It wasn't that he was afraid they would get mad at him, but he was terrified he would disappoint them again. That was the only reason he finished the semester after December even though pretty much every teacher he had advised against it. He couldn't deal with them being upset with him.

"Uh, Mom, can I talk to you and Dad about something? It's kind of important," he said after Sofia had gone up to her room. He was trying to practice being more open with his feelings but he knew he wouldn't be able to say anything with her there. He'd be too worried about making her sad to be honest.

"Of course. Is everything alright?" she asked, smacking his dad on the arm so he would pay attention. He looked over and nodded, face turning serious.

Hansol's heart was pounding and he took in a shuddering nervous breath, sitting on his shaking hands. "I don't want to go back to school."

There, it was out in the open.

"I just- I hate it. It makes me feel, like, so terrible. And I know that if I go back, then something bad will happen again. And I know that I'd just be wasting all the money you've already put into it but I can't do it again." He didn't mean to word vomit all of that out at them, but at least it wasn't bouncing around inside of his head anymore. At least they knew how he felt.

"Hansol, if that's what you really want then that's fine with me. Your health, your life, is more important than any amount of money we've spent," his mother responded after a tense moment of silence.

His father added, "We didn't even want you to finish your other semester without treatment or something, but we didn't want to push you if it was something you felt like you had to do. It's completely fine and understandable if you don't want to go back." He smiled and reached out to grab Hansol's hand. "And if you decide later on that you do want to go back, then we'll support you with that too. But you will always come first before a stupid degree."

Hansol honestly could have cried tears of joy. He almost did. He didn't know what he was expecting from the conversation but that was everything he could've wanted and more.

"I love you guys. So much," he breathed.

"We love you too. Now come help me wash the dishes. We have to talk about how you didn't tell me you have a boyfriend," his mother teased, making him groan in embarrassment.

-

"Why are you so pretty?" Hansol asked. Minghao was laying beside him, sprawled out on a beach towel. Hansol had suggested a mostly unplanned beach trip the night before just to finish his list, even if he wasn't going to go through with his plan.

"Stop sweet talking me. You already got into my pants," Minghao said dryly. He was pretending to be in a bad mood because of the heat, but he kept smiling to himself every few minutes when he thought Hansol couldn't see him.

Hansol let out an embarrassed sort of squeak and smacked him on the shoulder. "Am I not allowed to be nice to you without an ulterior motive?"

Minghao hummed thoughtfully before he replied, "I haven't decided yet." 

"You're annoying." Hansol was so happy.

"Well, you're more annoying." Minghao blindly reached out for his hand and tangled their fingers together.

"You're just saying that because you're a Scorpio who has to be in control of every situation."

Minghao gasped, his eyes flying open. Hansol froze, worried that he had offended him, but that quickly melted away as Minghao sent him his crooked grin and threw himself at him.

"I am so attracted to you right now," he said, wrapping his arms around his neck. Hansol laughed, pulling him closer.

"I've been reading astrology stuff since the day after we met. I've been waiting for so long to say something like that but I didn't know enough," he admitted.

"You're everything to me," Minghao gushed as he leaned forward to kiss him.

Hansol didn't care about the people around them as he rested his hand on Minghao's back and pulled him even closer. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been this happy.

"You two are actually disgusting. There are children here," a very familiar voice said. Hansol pulled away and saw Seungkwan and Soonyoung standing over them. Chan was walking over as well, carrying a pool floatie that looked like a rubber duck.

"Leave them alone. Not every couple can be as amazing and considerate as us," Seungkwan teased.

Minghao snorted, as he grabbed his sunglasses from the sand. He was smiling as he said, "Mingyu said you two almost had sex in his bed."

Seungkwan gasped and Soonyoung went pink in the face. "He's a liar. I would never."

Hansol couldn't help but laugh. He definitely hadn't been this happy in a long time. He didn't realize how bad he had missed it. He couldn't wait to get used to it again.

**Author's Note:**

> hello again! if you've made it this far pls leave a comment it would mean the world to me! maybe tell me ur fave scene or something idk!  
> i also have twitter (gayhyckie) n a curiouscat (also gayhyckie) if those are more ur speed!  
> have a nice day!!
> 
> edit: i did a commentary thread talking about writing this fic so if ur into that kinda thing here you go  
> https://twitter.com/gayhyckie/status/1288216415707762693?s=19


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